The Aftermath.

Ohhhh wow. This is awkward. Has it really been 7 months since I've updated this blog? 8 months since my surgery? I'm pretty disappointed in myself. Ah, well. Here we go again.

I'm not going to pretend that I don't know why I haven't been blogging. I know why. The excuse I could give you, is that I turned 30 and then we bought our very first home and I've been so busy with that. But, let's be real people, my anxiety forced me to be unpacked and ready to go a week or two after moving in. And being 30 isn't any different than being 29. You know, other than that old woman grunt I do when I get out of bed now.

No... I haven't been blogging because I don't want to tell truths. And I made a promise that I'd never put on a show here, or sugar-coat anything. If you know me, even a little, you know that I'm an open book. I'm not afraid to share my struggles, my experiences. And lately I've felt a strong pull to blog. So, time to own up.

I've mentioned before, that prior to this surgery, I viewed it as being a 'cop-out', the 'easy way out'. But, I am now very remorseful for ever thinking that way. It's so hard. Not any of this has been easy. Well, I mean, losing weight was easy at first, as long as I followed the rules. I lost weight when I stayed 100% on task. I lost weight when I cheated a little. I lost weight when I took an extra stroll around the local Wal-Mart. But then around the third month it slowed down, which is normal. I still lose, just not as fast.

But then I discovered that eating "naughty" things didn't hurt me like I thought they would. It all went to hell at Easter (funny). Those Cadbury Eggs really did it to me. I ate one and nothing happened. So I ate two....and then three.... and then my stomach would hurt. So I learned that one or two didn't hurt my stomach. So I'd eat that many. Every day. And then the weight loss stopped. And I mentally beat myself up. The same thing happened with bread. I discovered how much I could eat without making my stomach hurt. And again, no more weight loss. And the mental beatings get worse.

So do you know what I do? I upload pictures of myself to Facebook. Not because I feel fantastic, but because I want people to tell me that I look fantastic. I need my ego boost. But then I feel guilty. I feel guilty for putting on a show, for making people believe I'm something I'm not. I hate that.

Now, let me explain that part. I am happy. Oh, I'm so happy. I am currently smaller than I ever was in high school. Isn't that insane? I am currently at a weight and body shape that I have literally no memory of ever being at. That is a weirdly amazing feeling. No one reading this blog as ever known me at this size. I promise you have no memory of it. Because I skipped it. I gained 100 pounds in less than 10 months when I was a Junior in high school. There are some pictures I now see of myself that I can't stop staring at. Like this one:

Is that BOTH of my shoulders in one frame? Yeah. Yeah it is.

And so I upload a picture like that, and everyone praises me and I get 100's of likes and everyone thinks it's all fantastic. And yes, I look very pretty. But I don't post the other parts of that. Like, the parts where I literally cry over food I know I can't eat. Or I cry when I shove so much food in my mouth that I make my stomach hurt, because it's an addiction that I still can't fully break. The surgery only changed my physical self. It did not change my mental self. That I'm still working on every single day. The parts where I still go into stores and feel crazy uncomfortable in the "normal" sizes. Like I don't belong, or know how to function. Or how if I'm around another overweight person, I feel an extreme rush of guilt. Like I somehow cheated and am living a life I didn't deserve, I should still be suffering. Because Mental-Tabitha is still that person, how dare she not look like her anymore. I also get an extreme rush of guilt when I leave food on my plate. Like I'm being wasteful. And then I start to long and mourn the food left over. I can't explain why. It's how my brain works.

Note: I am not saying that everyone with the surgery struggles the same way. That's what 20 years of being overweight will do, you guys.

I cry as I write this blog. Because I know I'm about to post it for all my family and friends. Because I'm afraid of you knowing the truth, because I think you'll feel differently towards me, or think I'm not as strong or brave anymore. But I write these blogs because I want to educate people. Just like when I used to blog about my infertility. It's real. Everyone needs some real.

I am strong, I am happy. I don't regret a moment of this journey. But I'm still a work in progress.

And I do relish in the fun stuff:

Like, I can now sit in ONE theater chair next to my husband at the movies, instead of two.
I can buy clothes at stores without even having to try most of them on first.
I could now ride a roller coaster if I wanted to. (NO.)
I don't even have to think about weight limits on things anymore.
I can workout and hardly break a sweat anymore, instead of how I used to break a sweat just walking into the gym.
I can borrow clothes from friends. Did you read that? I CAN BORROW PEOPLE'S CLOTHES FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE.

There are so many exciting things to come in my life. If I didn't have this surgery, who knows how far past 400 pounds I would have gotten. Now I'm only 25 pounds away from having a 1 in front of my weight. A ONE.

I hope I didn't scare you all off, or make you all think I'm having some sort of breakdown. I'm not. I promise. I'm just telling you the truth.

Much love.
Tabitha