The Aftermath.

Ohhhh wow. This is awkward. Has it really been 7 months since I've updated this blog? 8 months since my surgery? I'm pretty disappointed in myself. Ah, well. Here we go again.

I'm not going to pretend that I don't know why I haven't been blogging. I know why. The excuse I could give you, is that I turned 30 and then we bought our very first home and I've been so busy with that. But, let's be real people, my anxiety forced me to be unpacked and ready to go a week or two after moving in. And being 30 isn't any different than being 29. You know, other than that old woman grunt I do when I get out of bed now.

No... I haven't been blogging because I don't want to tell truths. And I made a promise that I'd never put on a show here, or sugar-coat anything. If you know me, even a little, you know that I'm an open book. I'm not afraid to share my struggles, my experiences. And lately I've felt a strong pull to blog. So, time to own up.

I've mentioned before, that prior to this surgery, I viewed it as being a 'cop-out', the 'easy way out'. But, I am now very remorseful for ever thinking that way. It's so hard. Not any of this has been easy. Well, I mean, losing weight was easy at first, as long as I followed the rules. I lost weight when I stayed 100% on task. I lost weight when I cheated a little. I lost weight when I took an extra stroll around the local Wal-Mart. But then around the third month it slowed down, which is normal. I still lose, just not as fast.

But then I discovered that eating "naughty" things didn't hurt me like I thought they would. It all went to hell at Easter (funny). Those Cadbury Eggs really did it to me. I ate one and nothing happened. So I ate two....and then three.... and then my stomach would hurt. So I learned that one or two didn't hurt my stomach. So I'd eat that many. Every day. And then the weight loss stopped. And I mentally beat myself up. The same thing happened with bread. I discovered how much I could eat without making my stomach hurt. And again, no more weight loss. And the mental beatings get worse.

So do you know what I do? I upload pictures of myself to Facebook. Not because I feel fantastic, but because I want people to tell me that I look fantastic. I need my ego boost. But then I feel guilty. I feel guilty for putting on a show, for making people believe I'm something I'm not. I hate that.

Now, let me explain that part. I am happy. Oh, I'm so happy. I am currently smaller than I ever was in high school. Isn't that insane? I am currently at a weight and body shape that I have literally no memory of ever being at. That is a weirdly amazing feeling. No one reading this blog as ever known me at this size. I promise you have no memory of it. Because I skipped it. I gained 100 pounds in less than 10 months when I was a Junior in high school. There are some pictures I now see of myself that I can't stop staring at. Like this one:

Is that BOTH of my shoulders in one frame? Yeah. Yeah it is.

And so I upload a picture like that, and everyone praises me and I get 100's of likes and everyone thinks it's all fantastic. And yes, I look very pretty. But I don't post the other parts of that. Like, the parts where I literally cry over food I know I can't eat. Or I cry when I shove so much food in my mouth that I make my stomach hurt, because it's an addiction that I still can't fully break. The surgery only changed my physical self. It did not change my mental self. That I'm still working on every single day. The parts where I still go into stores and feel crazy uncomfortable in the "normal" sizes. Like I don't belong, or know how to function. Or how if I'm around another overweight person, I feel an extreme rush of guilt. Like I somehow cheated and am living a life I didn't deserve, I should still be suffering. Because Mental-Tabitha is still that person, how dare she not look like her anymore. I also get an extreme rush of guilt when I leave food on my plate. Like I'm being wasteful. And then I start to long and mourn the food left over. I can't explain why. It's how my brain works.

Note: I am not saying that everyone with the surgery struggles the same way. That's what 20 years of being overweight will do, you guys.

I cry as I write this blog. Because I know I'm about to post it for all my family and friends. Because I'm afraid of you knowing the truth, because I think you'll feel differently towards me, or think I'm not as strong or brave anymore. But I write these blogs because I want to educate people. Just like when I used to blog about my infertility. It's real. Everyone needs some real.

I am strong, I am happy. I don't regret a moment of this journey. But I'm still a work in progress.

And I do relish in the fun stuff:

Like, I can now sit in ONE theater chair next to my husband at the movies, instead of two.
I can buy clothes at stores without even having to try most of them on first.
I could now ride a roller coaster if I wanted to. (NO.)
I don't even have to think about weight limits on things anymore.
I can workout and hardly break a sweat anymore, instead of how I used to break a sweat just walking into the gym.
I can borrow clothes from friends. Did you read that? I CAN BORROW PEOPLE'S CLOTHES FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE.

There are so many exciting things to come in my life. If I didn't have this surgery, who knows how far past 400 pounds I would have gotten. Now I'm only 25 pounds away from having a 1 in front of my weight. A ONE.

I hope I didn't scare you all off, or make you all think I'm having some sort of breakdown. I'm not. I promise. I'm just telling you the truth.

Much love.
Tabitha

One Month

I had my one month check up yesterday! Did you know that I've lost 90 total pounds? (40 since my surgery). And it has been quite the month.

It wasn't easy. At all. In fact, I spent most of it crying and feeling like everything was falling apart. I felt like I was making everything harder on everyone and I threw up... a lot. I cried and mourned for the food I wasn't able to eat, and I felt ridiculous doing it. It's amazing how much control food has over me. I literally spend every minute thinking about it.

I remember talking to this one guy at the gym who helps me out with my workouts sometimes. His wife has the sleeve surgery and he told me, "A lot of times my wife forgets to eat!" And as I sit here and think of that, I am jealous. Because I spend every minute thinking of when I'm next allowed to eat.

Now, I'm not always hungry - so I don't eat. I just sit and wonder when my stomach will feel hungry again so I can eat. Insane, I know. I'm aware. This is definitely a journey, and a difficult one.

But, at my appointment - I was given permission to start advancing my diet to how I will be eating for the rest of my life. Lean proteins, then veggies, then if there's room in my tummy left - up to 1/2 cup of fruit.

Can you guess the first question I asked? "Will I be able to have a bite of pie at Thanksgiving and Christmas?"

Answer? Yes. A BITE. haha I'll take it!

My clothes are falling off of me, which is a wonderful problem to have. (until you realize you have to go in public to buy new clothes - and so you look like a wacko while you shop! haha!) In a few more pounds, I'll weigh less than I have since I've been married.

I'm going to get there, you guys. I just know it. I'm determined to get back to a normal way of life, a healthy way of life. It will happen. I've got to stay positive. Thanks for your prayers and constant kind words whenever you guys talk to me! Y'all are a blessing. And thanks for following my journey. <3

Tab

Post-Surgery Update!

Hey Y'all! Welcome back.

Wow, how things have changed since my post in April. In fact, since that post in April, I've lost 70 pounds. SEVENTY. I also had my gastric bypass surgery on September 30th!

I have to be honest, I used to be one of those people who thought that people who had weight loss surgery were insane. I even viewed it as "cheating" or "taking the easy way out". For that, I apologize to the world and those who have had it. I was so very, very, very wrong. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Prior to having my surgery, I was required by my insurance to have 6 months of a doctor supervised diet. I was so annoyed by that, because I was just ready to get this over with. I've been dieting for a million years, I've tried everything. But now, I am so thankful that I was required to do that. It gave me time to mentally prepare and physically prepare. I lost 55 pounds. It was a long battle with food. A battle I have been fighting most of my life. Trying to mentally let go of the addiction. Something I still haven't been able to let go of. Let me explain.

I had my surgery and was so blessed by so much support from family and friends. I left the hospital in so much pain, but so ready to get this new life started. My wonderful mother stepped up and watched my munchkin and waited on me hand and foot (she even gave me back massages!). The only problem? She still had to eat. My kiddo still had to eat. My husband still had to eat. I could not eat. Nothing. I was on an all liquid, zero calorie diet. (minus the ridiculously disgusting chicken broth I was allowed. barf.) And even though I had literally NO hunger, I cried. I cried because I was stressed, I was in pain, and I couldn't do the one thing I use to comfort myself - eat.

You see, the surgery doesn't change your mind. It only changes your physical insides. The mental battle doesn't end. That, you have to do yourself.

Don't get me wrong here. I am SO HAPPY I had the surgery. I've already lost 15 pounds. I've been forced to get up and move and do things to get my mind off of food. So guess what you guys, my house is clean. SHOCK ME, SHOCK ME, SHOCK ME. (Empire Records? No? Just me?)

This is going to be a long road, but I am so thankful that I had a successful surgery and that I'm healing really well so far. I know that my life is going to drastically change this next year and I know for a fact that I will not be 300 pounds when I turn 30 in January.

I hope you guys follow me on this journey. And I hope you're down for the good and the bad that comes with it. I have never sugar-coated anything on this blog. Oh also, You'll see that I changed the name. Bare with me as I try to find something that really really suits me. So far I'm really liking it.

So here we go:

Starting weight: 391 

Surgery weight: 335

Current weight: 319

Adios for now, y'all!
Tab

The Journey is never ending.

I can never seem to keep a blog going. I start to fail, or I get tired of hearing my voice say the same old thing all the time, so I quit. I lose motivation, I lose creativity, I lose an outlet for myself to write. And that makes me sad.

I think one of things I do, is I try to make it super public, and I want to share with everyone in their mother. Because, obviously everything I have to say is extremely important, you guys. But here's the thing, that means I'm not writing for me anymore. I'm writing for everyone else and what I think they might like to read. That's wrong. I should be writing for me, I should be making this my creative outlet and if it spreads to more readers, then so be it. But right now, this is for me.

Maybe some of you are still following me. If so, that's awesome. Thank you so much! I am excited to catch you up on what has been going on in my life...because it's been a lot. But first, I want you to know that I'm writing to let it all out for myself. Sometimes it's going to be wildly happy, and sometimes it's going to be wildly depressing. And I don't care if that bothers you. This is my journey, and I'm taking control of it again. (even though I totally still love you).

So what's up with me?

Well, I've decided to have the gastric bypass surgery done. Can you believe it? Man, the journey to saying that has been a long one. I actually started thinking about having surgery right after we found out we were infertile a few years ago. I went to a conference once about all the surgeries offered and I freaked out when they said, "We don't recommend that you try to have a baby until a year or two after the surgery." And I was like, "SCREW YOU GUYS, I'M HAVING A BABY WHEN I DAMN WELL PLEASE." .....yet here I am. No baby of my own...so I should have just gotten the damn surgery. Except...no I shouldn't have, really, because I wasn't mentally ready.

I'm mentally ready now. It's no longer about a baby. I have my own, wonderfully adopted, handsome little boy. Now it's about the fact that at my first doctor appointment with the surgeon, I stepped on the scale and it said 391 pounds. It's about the fact that I'd like to be around for that wonderfully obnoxious little 2 year old. If a baby comes from the surgery, man what a spectacular miracle, but that's not the important goal here. My life is.

So you know how I said that my first weigh in was 391? Well, my insurance requires me to do a doctor supervised diet 6 months prior to having the surgery. Today was my first month's weigh in.

I lost 17 pounds.

SEVENTEEN!

I am so beyond proud of myself, I feel amazing and confident in my ability to really do this! And I'm so exited that a year from now, that 17 could be a triple digit number.

The journey is on, people. Party on, Wayne!

Lent & Recipes!

Hey Guys! You're getting an extra post this week - in honor of Lent! Lucky you. (And hopefully you didn't give up reading my blog as part of that....awkward.)

Anyways, if you're not familiar - Catholics, and (most? some?) Christians give up something for the Lent period. What I have been taught, is that it is supposed to be something that has steered you away from God, something you're putting before God. I know, these days, a lot of people give up social media, like Facebook. My husband and I have recognized that we put food as the main focus in our house. To some, that may sound ridiculous, to us - it's truly an addiction and something that takes over our lives. We rarely ever tithe (something I'm not proud of), because we "don't have money to spare". When in reality, we spent hundreds on eating out at restaurants and fast food establishments.

So, instead of wasting that money - we are tithing it. And we are eating at home for the entire Lent season. This is truly going to be a challenge, because honestly I hate cooking. But! I can cook and I will cook for this reason.

So here is where I need YOUR help! I need recipes! I have tons, sure, but I need change and I need ones people have actually tried before and loved. I always "pin" recipes that claim to be the best recipe on Earth, and then no one in my house loves it. If you do share a recipe that falls under the list of things I'll eat (I'm weirdly picky) - I'll share the result with you on the blog!

I'm excited, people! Share away!

Oh, you totally wanted to know.

Woah. Did I really miss TWO Fridays? That seems insane! I'm sorry!

Well, while I was "gone", I lost 4 pounds! However, I will tell you - this is going soooo much slower than the last time I lost weight. The last time, I lost 6 pounds the first week! And then every week after that was at least 1-2 pounds. I know, I know, losing 4 pounds is better than nothing, trust me - I'm not complaining. I just need to step it up! Because, truthfully, I haven't really been trying. I've done a few active things and eaten a little better, but nothing of real effort.

Anyways, my creative juices haven't really been flowing (hence the lack of blog posts). But I want to force myself to still write, even when I don't feel like it. So please, stick with me here. I'm going to take this opportunity for you, my wonderful readers, to get to know me better. (And if you have a blog, I encourage you to do the same!)

I gathered these questions from quite a few blogs - I just picked my favorite questions, because I can.

Are you named after anyone? Yes. Tabitha from Bewitched. My mother will tell you it was from the Bible (Acts 9:36) but she's a liar! She totally named me after that darn kid witch. And I spent most of my childhood saying, "NO! I CAN'T WIGGLE MY NOSE!"

What's your favorite color? Orange! All shades of orange really. People assume it's because I'm a big Texas Longhorn fan, but it truly isn't. I even actually more prefer a BRIGHT orange!

Do you have a favorite movie? Ooooooh yes. It's the Rocky Horror Picture Show. It's a ridiculously wonderfully awful movie. And I love it more than I should. And I love Tim Curry. *sigh* If you want a more appropriate answer - my second favorite movie is Empire Records.

What do you want to be when you grow up? Can I say Tina Fey? Is that an answer? I want to be her. But mostly, I actually have always really wanted to be a writer. My dream is to write a book. I start it often, I have a notebook of random entries into this book. Now if only I could force myself to take time to write it. My dreams would come true.

What's your biggest pet peeve? OOOOOOHHHH don't get me started. I have way more than one huge pet peeve. But, the first one that comes to mind is when I'm in a large public bathroom, by myself, and someone comes in and sits in the stall RIGHT NEXT TO ME. Man that brings out a weird rage in me.

How about a favorite book? Running With Scissors by Augusten Burroughs. It's the only book I've ever read more than once, on purpose. I've read it five times actually. It's my favorite kind of book, a memoir. I actually love all his books, but that one is my favorite. A college professor at UTSA actually recommended it to me. I even got to meet Augusten Burroughs once!

oh...look at me wearing a Rocky Horror shirt. HAHA

Mac or PC?  PC, happily.

Do you have a favorite song? Oh yes. The Way You Make Me Feel - Michael Jackson

What's your favorite blog? I'd like to say it's something wonderfully profound, but it's CakeWrecks. HAHA. They crack me up. (And my friend Alyssa's blog - because her brain works like mine and she's an all around wonderful lady. And now she owes me ice cream or something for plugging that in there. Right? RIGHT? Let's see if she reads this and agrees.)

What's your obsession? Friends. The TV show Friends. Absolutely Friends. Oh it's unhealthy.


TELL ME ABOUT YOU! If you have a blog, (or if you don't - post in the comments!) copy and paste this and tell me things I might not know about you!



DID I MENTION I LOVE FRIENDS?

I choose happy.

Oh hello! Are you having an awesome Friday? I hope so.

You know, the world of weight loss can be a really scary, really upsetting, and a really lonely one. At least for me. It can feel like no one understands you and no one really cares. And then when you (read: me) sit and dwell on that feeling, the world comes crashing down around you. Because you know what? Even though you are doing what you need to do to lose the weight, the world is still going on around you. And you shouldn't miss out on the things that make you wonderfully happy, just because you (read: me) feel like you should punish yourself.

So what I mean is, I'm changing my attitude. And honestly, by choosing to focus on things that make me happy, I've actually been eating better, cooking my own food, and moving more. Funny how a simple attitude change can create a waterfall effect.

You know what makes me happy?

Open windows with sunlight shining in:

Open windows like mine make me want to clean my house, and a clean house makes my heart happy.

Shopping for greeting cards: 

I say this, because I just spent time in Walmart shopping for Valentine's cards to send to family members. I love opening every card and imagining them read it. I usually want a lot of room, so that I can write sweet things. <3

Bible Studies & Hot Chocolate:

Oh actually, this should have been on the list first. This is what is changing my life. I'm doing two Bible Studies a week (a women's one and a 20s & 30s group). And putting God first is changing it all. It's inspiring me to make better choices in my life, mostly with my attitude problem. Honestly, you know what I worry about? I worry that when people talk about me when I'm not around, they aren't saying great things. I want to live a life that makes people want to tell others how loving I am, how selfless I am, etc. And...considering I'm one of the most selfish people I know, I have some work to do. And also, who doesn't like hot chocolate on these crazy cold days?

Memoirs:

ooooooooooooooh how I love memoirs, real stories from people's lives, especially when they're funny. My favorite memoir is Running With Scissors by Augusten Burroughs. But after that it is Tina Fey's Bossypants and my current love is Yes Please by Amy Poehler. *sigh* I could go on for days.

I know this post was a little different from the normal. I could tell you a thousand things that make me smile. And maybe I'll do a post like this every once in a while to remind myself of all the wonderful little things in the world.

I hope you guys are inspired to start focusing on the happy more often.