That's All I'm Asking For.

I remember the first time I started Weight Watchers. I was 16 and I weighed 196 pounds. Yes, I absolutely remember that number. I also remember that I lost 20 pounds that summer and then quit the program when school started back up. And although this was my first time starting weight watchers, it certainly wasn't my first time realizing I had a weight problem.

You see, I started dancing when I was 5. I have this adorable picture of me in a fluffy pink, sparkly outfit.(I looked and looked and can't find it!) In that picture you can see that I am much bigger than a 5 year old should be. But then I would grow and even out. Don't get me wrong, I was never ever this society's definition of skinny. There was always a little tummy there. But understand that I always saw myself as huge. My self esteem was always, always being shot down. And for as long as I can remember I always felt "less than". Especially when they would put you in tights and spandex leotards. The comparisons to the other girls started very early and I was always the one losing (in my head at least). I do have a picture of me at that time: 

I'm...the same size as a friend I thought was gorgeous. Too bad I didn't see that.

It's funny how a woman's mind works. I think about raising a little girl some day and worry about possibly ruining her self esteem, by something I didn't know I said or did. It's funny how personal we take everything that's said, or how we compare ourselves to other women. Unrealistic women. I remember working at that "Plus Size Clothing Store" I told you about last week, and the models in all the pictures looked wonderfully skinny to me. They were gorgeous and they had a realistic body that I felt like I could have one day. But are these the women that are walking into this store today? No, of course not. Because those women are not plus-sized. They're only plus-sized in the media's eyes. So that trains my eyes to see that woman and think to myself, "well, even when I look gorgeous like that someday, it's still not enough because she's modeling plus-sized clothing." Does that make sense? I feel like I'm babbling.

I Googled the term "plus-sized model" and let me show you what came up.

source: girltalkhq.com

Like, seriously? If this is plus-size, then sign me up for that. 

But the point is also that we shouldn't be striving for skinny, we should be striving for healthy. At this point, yes of course I want to not have to pay more to wear my clothes because I have to go to a specialty store, but really I want to just be healthy so I can run around and play with my kids without having to stop to breathe. I don't want them to see me ruining my life, and learn the habits to ruin theirs. 

That's all I'm asking for.