I am so lazy.

In fact, I'm pretty positive I'm the laziest person I know (minus my dog, Wiggles). After spending a few days at my in-laws, I have realized how much I sit all day. My wonderful mother in law spends her days running around the house, serving us and doing all kinds of wonderful things for everyone. When she's not doing that, she's doing her exercises, or fixing herself something healthy to eat (she's lost over 100 pounds on Weight Watchers). And I realize, here I am. Sitting. Not doing anything. Not exercising, not fixing myself healthy food. Not doing anything for anyone, sitting. Maybe sometimes I'm sitting on the floor, playing Legos with my kiddo.

And I think to myself, that's sad. It is so sad that my child is spending all day with me, seeing me sit. This will be the norm in his mind. And that's not okay. Also, I need to get off my butt and exercise. I need to move. MOVE. It was so cold outside today, my MIL couldn't go on a walk like she usually does. Do you know what she did instead? She walked around the house. Seriously. Around the kitchen table, around the living room, down the hall. She walked, and she kept walking. My son followed behind.

I admire my MIL so much for that. She knows what she needs to do to achieve what she wants, and she does it. Sure she has days where she doesn't stick to the plan, but I am more than certain she has more motivated days than others. I know this, because I have seen this woman in action.

Outside of weight loss, she is still moving. She's cooking and doing crafts and she's serving. Oh what a wonderful servant's heart she has. She is the most giving and loving and serving woman I know. She is quite the woman to be admired. Such a Godly woman. A woman who has qualities that I would like to have. Not only do I want to be making my weight loss goals happen, I want to be a servant of God. I want someone to look at me the way I look at her sometimes. Like I am the image of what God would want me to be.

This post turned into a love letter to my MIL it seems, I don't even know if she reads this blog. But, that's not the point really.

Sometimes the change you need to make in yourself isn't just for weight loss, instead it's a change that will effect every move you make, to be for the better.

I'm being set up....

Do you ever have little things happen to you that you can't help but think, "God is setting me up for something."? Let me tell you why I ask this:

My sweet husband and I have been really struggling with my infertility. We just can't seem to get past it and it hurts a lot, emotionally. I am also continuously falling off the diet wagon and feeling like a complete failure. (previous info: Doc thinks that MAYBE if I lose enough weight, I will start ovulating).

Currently I have to go once a month to get my monthly cycle started because mine does not start on its own. Which has become a complete pain, because I can't find an agency approved babysitter to watch my sweet foster baby in the middle of a work day, go figure. So I've been very bad about going to get my cycle started, which is very very dangerous to do, health-wise. Therefore, Hubs and I talked about me going on the pill, so that it'll just automatically start every month without me having to go to the doctor.

Now, if you don't know...for me this is extremely emotional. This is me admitting that I won't be having a baby and I'm leaving no room for a miracle. Which, might sound insane to you, but to me this is perfectly acceptable. So upon making my doctor's appointment to get the prescription...I cried. (Appt. scheduled for today, April 21st.)

So let's go to another part of the story for a moment.

As much as I try to ignore it, because I would eat a loaf of bread a day if you'd let me, there have been so so so many blogs and articles about women with PCOS needing to go Gluten Free. (which I tried once for like 2 months and I broke down and ate soooooooooo much pasta and bread omg.) And not only that.... messageboards are being flooded by women with PCOS who have gone GF and started ovulating and getting pregnant. Y'all, I just can't ignore it. As much as I want to currently sit in a corner, hugging a loaf of honey wheat bread and cry. Husband is really excited to be on board (who is this man and what has he done with my husband?) and after much debate... this is what we decided this past Thursday:

Yep. Paleo. And honestly, as much of an uphill battle this will be, something tells me it is going to be so worth it.

So let's then talk about Friday, 24 hours after purchasing this book and making this decision.... my doctor calling to cancel my appointment for today.

I really really hope this is God setting me up for something fantastic.

Or it's just coincidence...but whatever I choose to believe the fantastic part.

The Before.

You know what's scary? The before picture. Everyone has one. That one picture that shows you at your biggest. It's terrifying, because there it is. That's you. A picture of you. I don't usually hate pictures of myself because I mean, it's a memory. And I look that way in the memory and there's nothing I can do to change it, so I move along. But that before picture...ugh. This is the one I'm talking about:

(ignore messy mirror/honey-boo-boo looking face)

I forgot to post a before pic when I started this blog. Which, I find weird...I blame "mommy brain". I also took some personal ones of me without a shirt so that I can compare like that, but I'll spare you that one. hahaha

When I lost the first 50 pounds, the only way I could see it was to compare pictures, because I see myself in the mirror every day, I couldn't see the changes. But man, when I put those pictures together, it was glorious. I get so anxious to see that again! And honestly, that is a big thing that keeps me goin' sometimes. I want that "after" pic so bad. SO BAD.

I've been jumping on and off that wagon since I started this blog. Isn't that crazy? Can you relate to being so gung-ho on starting something and then it just teeter off so fast, you didn't even see that coming? Well, I can. But the good thing? I keep jumping back on. There have been so many times I let the wagon drive off and leave me behind. But not this time, I keep chasing it and jumping back on...sometimes I just don't stick the landing.

I've started writing stuff on my calendar that I'm going to do that week that's "active". I plan ahead, and I write it down, so it's done. It's scheduled. I hate canceling things I schedule. Because of that, I've started walking in the park, and walking for hours at the zoo (omg we are loving our membership!). I even have 2 dates with 2 friends on Tuesday and Wednesday for walks in the park! That's right, I'm making everyone join in!

So I want to know....do you have a "before" picture that you're storing away?

Guest Blogger: Meet Erin!

Hello, Everyone! Lately I have been off the wagon and very uninspired. So, I decided to reach out to someone who inspires me, my wonderful friend Erin. I asked her to share her story with you guys! Enjoy! 

So, Tabitha asked me to guest blog on her page. First off, I feel like I'm piggy backing on her e-success.No SHAME. But, I digress....

My weight loss journey is similar to all of yours. Years of struggle for the every elusive "perfect size". As a teenager I battled with something like an eating disorder. Being that I was over weight and addicted to food; I felt shame about eating crap food. I'd spend a whole day obsessing about a specific food until around 10 or 11 at night; I'd give in and  I'd finally eat it. Then, I'd just cry and cry about it. I'd beat myself up and inundate myself with negative self talk. Clearly, not a healthy connection with food. This lasted about 3 years. NUTS. I started to work out when I was about 18 years old. Funny thing, I didn't change my diet. I figured -- I'm spending 2 hours in the gym, I deserve to eat a whole medium pizza myself. PURE LOGIC. I worked out on and off for about 4 years with very little intent to do anything but "bring sexy back". I completely missed the whole concept of healthy versus hot. 

So, what's the problem with this line of thinking? Skinny doesn't mean healthy. Skinny means skinny. However, I could not differentiate between the two. I tried every fad diet, diet pill, crazy contortionist exercise problem. I exerperienced SMALL amounts of weight loss success this way. Once I tried Alli, that weight loss pill that was so popular about 5 years ago. I thought, "COOL. I can still eat what I want and this pill will discard the fat." WRONG. I had an unforunate accident where I realized that you can not take Alli, eat crap and trust a fart. Just a little friendly advice for you, if you're considering Alli. DON'T DO IT. So, there's that.

I ran my body into the ground all through college. Working out, eating only when I had time and it was usually fast food. I drank a lot of alcohol thinkingthis lifestyle would be conducive to weight loss. Funny, right?

In August of 2012, shortly after I graduated from College, my body went completely numb from the chest down. I lost all control and feeling in my arms for three months. I was diagnosed with MS (multiple Sclerosis)  at 24 years old. MIND. BLOWN. That struck me in the deepest parts of my soul. Did I cause this to happen with my lifestyle? No one in my family had this. Once again, Mind...blown!

So, after I got use of my hands back, I resigned to never be that helpless again. I started researching different natural ways to treat this disease and find ways to improve my nutrition. I coupled all of that with medication, I found success with the MS and a happy side effect of weight loss. I lost 85 lbs in the first year. Not just that but, I found that health was the main focus. My goal was to avoid being bed ridden, and I found that that brought on fitness and weight loss. What's that? Weight loss was a happy side effect of getting healthy? That's obviously crazy talk. 

 I started going to the gym 5 days a week. (I know that's a lot but, I noticed that movement decreased the MS related pain.) I started to eat "clean". No preservatives, no processed

foods, nothing. I noticed that the healthier I ate, the less my symptoms would show. I know that sounds drastic and some of you are rolling your eyes at me. I hear faint cries of "NO ONE LIVES THAT WAY. THERE'S TEMPTATION EVERYWHERE." You're correct. Living in Texas -- FOOD IS EVERYWHERE. I'm confronted with fat, sugar, calories every corner I turn. The thing about this is that that pizza isn't worth me losing my independence again. That burger isn't worth me losing the ability to do my job.(I'm a sign language interpreter) Eating that fried, gravy dipped, chocolate glazed thing isn't worth taking years from my life.

I'm sure some of you are shaking your head and going "Yeah yeah yeah.How does this apply to me? How can I gain that resolve to lose weight without enduring a life changing event?" That's a hard one to answer. Each person is different, each heart and mind are different. But, I can say this....Losing weight isn't the goal. Like I said, "the perfect size" is elusive. We're constantly searching and aiming to look like women in movies. That bar was set to impossible heights because our genes aren't the same. Our bodies aren't the same. I'm 5'10.5 inches tall. I wear a size 18. I'm wide set, I'm wide boned and built like a lady amazon. I've spent years ashamed of that. Slouching to be shorter. Wearing 15 thousand layers of Spanx to suck in the flab. However, in this journey of health versus skinny "B" status I found that...I'm beautiful the way I am. I'm strong, I'm HEALTHY. I'm fit. I'm not a size 2. I'm not the "perfect size" even after losing a total of 120lbs. Why? The "Perfect size" doesn't exist, but the perfect you does exist. I try every day, I eat food that not only tastes good but is good for me. I'm fit and HAPPY. And guess what? I'm still "fat". I still weigh around 275 lbs. I'm large and in charge and proud of it. Don't get me wrong, I still like crap food....ON OCCASION. I'm not going to lie and say I'm healthy 100% of the time. PSFT. That's laughable. I do, however, aim for healthy 75-80% of the time. That's REALITY. That's manageable. That's a healthy relationship with food and with your body.

So, I rambled on to what end? Just that life is messy, life is imperfect. The "perfect size" doesn't exist because perfection doesn't exist. You live life every day. If you try AT ALL, you are victorious. The goal is to find health, if you lose weight - - HOT FRICKEN DOG. And trust me, you will lose weight. More than that, you'll gain a perspective on life and yourself that will change you from the inside out. When you lose that weight, It may not be to the "perfect size" but you will be beautiful. Why? Because Healthy is beautiful. Healthy is sexy. So, what should we do? Let's "bring healthy back." (insert awkward white girl twerk to the Sexy back)

Thanks for listening, guys. Blessings on your journey. Live life and be happy. :-)

That's All I'm Asking For.

I remember the first time I started Weight Watchers. I was 16 and I weighed 196 pounds. Yes, I absolutely remember that number. I also remember that I lost 20 pounds that summer and then quit the program when school started back up. And although this was my first time starting weight watchers, it certainly wasn't my first time realizing I had a weight problem.

You see, I started dancing when I was 5. I have this adorable picture of me in a fluffy pink, sparkly outfit.(I looked and looked and can't find it!) In that picture you can see that I am much bigger than a 5 year old should be. But then I would grow and even out. Don't get me wrong, I was never ever this society's definition of skinny. There was always a little tummy there. But understand that I always saw myself as huge. My self esteem was always, always being shot down. And for as long as I can remember I always felt "less than". Especially when they would put you in tights and spandex leotards. The comparisons to the other girls started very early and I was always the one losing (in my head at least). I do have a picture of me at that time: 

I'm...the same size as a friend I thought was gorgeous. Too bad I didn't see that.

It's funny how a woman's mind works. I think about raising a little girl some day and worry about possibly ruining her self esteem, by something I didn't know I said or did. It's funny how personal we take everything that's said, or how we compare ourselves to other women. Unrealistic women. I remember working at that "Plus Size Clothing Store" I told you about last week, and the models in all the pictures looked wonderfully skinny to me. They were gorgeous and they had a realistic body that I felt like I could have one day. But are these the women that are walking into this store today? No, of course not. Because those women are not plus-sized. They're only plus-sized in the media's eyes. So that trains my eyes to see that woman and think to myself, "well, even when I look gorgeous like that someday, it's still not enough because she's modeling plus-sized clothing." Does that make sense? I feel like I'm babbling.

I Googled the term "plus-sized model" and let me show you what came up.

source: girltalkhq.com

Like, seriously? If this is plus-size, then sign me up for that. 

But the point is also that we shouldn't be striving for skinny, we should be striving for healthy. At this point, yes of course I want to not have to pay more to wear my clothes because I have to go to a specialty store, but really I want to just be healthy so I can run around and play with my kids without having to stop to breathe. I don't want them to see me ruining my life, and learn the habits to ruin theirs. 

That's all I'm asking for.

Hello, 4am. EW.

It is 4:46am and I am awake, thanks to a certain little 4 month old who has decided it's GOOD MORNING! time. I mean, obviously he hates me.

I didn't update after my weigh in on Saturday. Probably because I gained 3 pounds and I was pissed off and felt like a failure. And maybe that's because I ate out all week and didn't record one meal or count any points. This is how I fell off the wagon last time, and really I'm already doing it 3 weeks in? Unacceptable. However, I did something I didn't do the last time: I knew I gained and I still went to weigh in and that's a huge step for me. Normally, I would skip my meeting and weigh in and I would pretend like the week never happened.

Yesterday I got a call that they might be taking my "Little" back to his family today. My heart is breaking. And I will admit to you that I ate an entire pint of cookies and cream ice cream. Blue Bell style and it was delicious. He's my first little foster baby and now he's my first little baby to give back to his family. I am not looking forward to the rest of today. I need to make sure that I don't allow another pint to go down my throat, that I don't binge. This is going to be so hard for me to do, because even at (now) 4:55am, I am having to try to convince myself to not take the kids when they are both up at 7am to go get a whole box of oreos and milk and go to town. Oreos and milk make me happy, it's delicious and my heart wants to be happy. But I have to remind myself that the momentary happiness turns into days of regret, and oreos won't keep my "Little" here with me. MOVE ALONG, TABITHA. EAT YOUR BANANA.

What are your triggers?

My Roadblock.

Do you ever get this sense of impending doom? Like something bad is going to happen and you just shut down for the rest of the day? Nothing goes well and you just want to sit around and do nothing and eat everything in the house, even if that means a package of mashed potatoes because you have nothing else?

Man, that was me today. Give me a minute and let me explain why this happens to me.

October 2011, Charles and I found out that I am infertile. We immediately tried some medications to try to spark my body into ovulating...and nothing worked. Nothing even got close. The next level of medications was in the thousands and we just simply could not afford putting that kind of money on a chance. A chance that I felt in my heart wouldn't work. The doctor did, however, tell me that there is a chance that if I lose enough weight my body could start working. Talk about pressure.

I didn't immediately start up on the weight loss, in fact I gained quite a bit of weight because I was severely depressed. There would be days I wouldn't get out of bed, or I would start uncontrollably crying in the middle of a store if I saw baby stuff, or saw a pregnant woman. I know to those who don't understand, that might sound dramatic. But to me, a baby was everything I ever wanted, and I wanted my own.

March 17, 2012 I finally got my head straight enough to join Weight Watchers and I quickly lost 50 pounds in 6 months. Once that 50 pounds came off, I was so excited to see if my body had made any changes. I knew that I probably wasn't going to ovulate, but I was excited to see if maybe one of my needed levels had changed.

It didn't. Nothing.

And that's when the roadblock hit. I did not lose one more pound after that. Instead, I gained the 50 back.

Fast forward to now. February 2014. Man, that roadblock was up a long time, wasn't it? I don't want to look back and regret not losing it and seeing if I could have my own baby. I don't want to regret it. But that means the pressure is back on. Because even though I have two beautiful foster baby boys, that doesn't change the want to try for my own. It also doesn't mean that I don't have days that I don't want to get out of bed and I want to cry all the time. Because I did today, and I do often. (only now, I do get out of bed and I cry in the bathroom while the kids are napping.)

(And yes I know that I have these wonderful boys and I am so blessed, because trust me - I know. Please respect the way I feel. I would adopt them both in a heartbeat, but the want to know what it would be like to have my flesh and blood is not going to go away just because I have other children.)

Anyways, I just had to write about that and get it out of my system today. Thanks for bearing with me. And to tell you, that if you have days like this - you're not alone. Whatever the circumstance may be. And to remember that just because you have one bad day (like I did today), tomorrow is a new, fresher day.

But man, this is going to hurt at Weight Watchers on Saturday. *sigh*

Green Smoothies... Success!

Okay, I totally planned to get stuff to start making green smoothies earlier in the week, but I ended up not being able to do so until yesterday. I am going to be honest with you all, I used to roll my eyes at the people who would upload pictures to Facebook and be like "LOOK HOW HEALTHY I AM! *rolls around in pile of healthy food and green smoothies*" Because how rude for you to do that while I'm trying to shove this cake in my face, for real.

However, I have completely recognized that I do not eat veggies or fruits like I'm supposed to. I mean, I don't mind veggies....I just don't think about them, or feel like making them. And being a person who doesn't eat salad dressing (barf), salads are lost on me. I mean, would you just sit around eating some lettuce? (If you would, stop, it's weird.) So I decided I'd give this a try.

So we went to Costco and stocked up:

 And actually, the first thing we made was some orange sorbet last night!

It was delish and super easy: 2 oranges, 2 tablespoons of sugar, 3 cups of ice. SERIOUSLY. (I bet raspberries or strawberries would be fantastic too!)

Today for breakfast I had an orange & banana smoothie  and some oatmeal. I feel like I used too many oranges, so I would just use one next time and it would be perfect!

Lunch's smoothie was the BEST so far (I mean, I've only made two so do with that what you will)

Apple, Banana, PB smoothie:

1 red apple (minus core)

1 banana

1 tablespoon crunchy peanut butter

1 huge handful of spinach

1 cup of ice

Enjoy!

*Makes 2 mason jars full!*

(I also had veggie pasta with fat-free mozzarella cheese!)

I hope everyone can see from my 'recipe' how easy it is to make these and get your fruits and veggies in for the day! This was a total success and I can't wait to keep making more. (I'm doing them with Breakfast and Lunch)

And guess what else?? I weighed in on Saturday to 3 more pounds lost!

Beginning weight: 352.6

Current weight: 343.6

Total loss: -9 pounds

So tell me, what new healthy thing will you try this week?

Numbers.

Good Morning! (I type that as I'm sucking down coffee watching Disney Jr., take that any way you like.)

I have been itching to blog all weekend, but I'm finally getting a chance to sit down this morning. As many of you know, my plan of attack on this weight loss is Weight Watchers, pretty much my favorite program ever. That's because it works. And it works because it's not a restrictive diet. It's not a diet at all. If I want a piece of cake, I can have one - GUILT FREE. (I just have to make sure I saved enough points for it!)

I've been doing WW off and on for over a decade now. WOW. That's insane to think about. I've started and stopped more times than I can count. (most times due to lack of money). The last time I joined I lost 50 pounds in 6 months and I was feeling GREAT. Then, I hit a mental roadblock. (I'll get into that another time) But, here I am again - back at the start! And guess what? After my first week (I weigh in Saturday mornings) I lost SIX pounds! SIX!

This time, joining WW, I weighed in at the HIGHEST I have ever weighed in my life. That was terrifying. I hated seeing that number, it was heartbreaking. Heartbreaking that I had lost 50 pounds, and then gained it all back - plus more. I let my life take over and used every excuse in the book and it makes me feel awful. But there's nothing I can do about that, no amount of crying about it will change that it happened. All I can do is keep doing Day 1 until it sticks. And like I always say, "This is the last Day 1 I will ever have." And this time, I really really want it to be true.

I'm going to tell you my weight from now on when I do my loss updates. Now, don't freak out. Because to me, this is just a number. It's the truth. If I lied to you and told you a different amount, it wouldn't matter. I would still be the true amount. It's like when people take these perfectly beautiful pictures and then complain about how awful they look and don't let anyone see it. Like, dude. That's how you look. Embrace it and love it. I can see you. You hiding a picture doesn't change the fact that I can see you. (this could turn into an ugly rant I have about this, so I'll just stop here) Point being: This is what I weigh, and that's that. Move along. (also, I'm pretty sure if I cut off my chest alone about 50 pounds would disappear)

Beginning weight: 352.6

Current weight: 346.6

Total loss: -6 pounds

So there it is. The last time you'll ever see those numbers.

Next blog topic: My attempt at green smoothies.

Leave me some of your favorite green smoothie recipes below to try for my next blog!

Forgetting Fat?

Welcome to my blog! Let me start off with a warning: This is a weight loss blog. This can get emotional, this can get angry, and this could get overwhelmingly happy. If you don't want to be on a roller coaster ride with me, then don't go any farther. I'm not sugar coating anything here. Also, I'm not an English major and I'm not paying anyone to proof read this, so get off me with the correcting of where a comma should be. Nor do I truly care where it should be.

If you do want to be a part of this roller coaster then sit down, strap on your seat belt and hold on tight!

Why is it called Forgetting Fat? (I seriously just typed fart .. awwwwkward)
It's called that, because I would love for the world to forget that word. But, since I know that'll never happen, I'm going to work on me forgetting that word. It's full of hate. I am very overweight. I know this. I don't need the judgmental looks from strangers when I have to squeeze into a chair or when I'm out of breath walking up some stairs. I get it. I'm aware. To call someone 'fat' is hurtful and isn't doing anyone a favor. In fact, let's just clear something up here - calling anyone any hateful name isn't doing anyone any favors. You will NEVER truly know what that person has gone through or how they got there. 

Let me be clear on another thing - I am very aware that I put the food in my mouth. I chose to eat Whataburger several times a week (and sometimes more than once a day). I chose to sit on the couch for hours watching trashy TV shows and eating tubs of ice cream. I'm not crying about how "I didn't know I was getting so big!" "OMG WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN??" Not here. Gaining weight is very very much a mental battle, and there are reasons a person gets to that point.

For me, every pound represents the life I've gone through. I didn't wake up one day and say "Let me pack on the pounds, I'd love to not fit in a airplane seat!". Instead, I've turned to food for comfort, spite, anger, happiness, love, and a thousand other feelings. My pounds represent times I was made fun of, or asked when my baby was due (never been pregnant), boys calling me "just a friend", disappointment, failures. They also represent birthday celebrations, and holidays, as well as wonderful date nights. It's an addiction. As I share with you my current weight loss journey, I will also share with you stories of my past journeys and how I got to where I am and to where I'm going.

But here I am, at square one for the hundredth time. And I'm happy to be here.