One Month

I had my one month check up yesterday! Did you know that I've lost 90 total pounds? (40 since my surgery). And it has been quite the month.

It wasn't easy. At all. In fact, I spent most of it crying and feeling like everything was falling apart. I felt like I was making everything harder on everyone and I threw up... a lot. I cried and mourned for the food I wasn't able to eat, and I felt ridiculous doing it. It's amazing how much control food has over me. I literally spend every minute thinking about it.

I remember talking to this one guy at the gym who helps me out with my workouts sometimes. His wife has the sleeve surgery and he told me, "A lot of times my wife forgets to eat!" And as I sit here and think of that, I am jealous. Because I spend every minute thinking of when I'm next allowed to eat.

Now, I'm not always hungry - so I don't eat. I just sit and wonder when my stomach will feel hungry again so I can eat. Insane, I know. I'm aware. This is definitely a journey, and a difficult one.

But, at my appointment - I was given permission to start advancing my diet to how I will be eating for the rest of my life. Lean proteins, then veggies, then if there's room in my tummy left - up to 1/2 cup of fruit.

Can you guess the first question I asked? "Will I be able to have a bite of pie at Thanksgiving and Christmas?"

Answer? Yes. A BITE. haha I'll take it!

My clothes are falling off of me, which is a wonderful problem to have. (until you realize you have to go in public to buy new clothes - and so you look like a wacko while you shop! haha!) In a few more pounds, I'll weigh less than I have since I've been married.

I'm going to get there, you guys. I just know it. I'm determined to get back to a normal way of life, a healthy way of life. It will happen. I've got to stay positive. Thanks for your prayers and constant kind words whenever you guys talk to me! Y'all are a blessing. And thanks for following my journey. <3

Tab

Post-Surgery Update!

Hey Y'all! Welcome back.

Wow, how things have changed since my post in April. In fact, since that post in April, I've lost 70 pounds. SEVENTY. I also had my gastric bypass surgery on September 30th!

I have to be honest, I used to be one of those people who thought that people who had weight loss surgery were insane. I even viewed it as "cheating" or "taking the easy way out". For that, I apologize to the world and those who have had it. I was so very, very, very wrong. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Prior to having my surgery, I was required by my insurance to have 6 months of a doctor supervised diet. I was so annoyed by that, because I was just ready to get this over with. I've been dieting for a million years, I've tried everything. But now, I am so thankful that I was required to do that. It gave me time to mentally prepare and physically prepare. I lost 55 pounds. It was a long battle with food. A battle I have been fighting most of my life. Trying to mentally let go of the addiction. Something I still haven't been able to let go of. Let me explain.

I had my surgery and was so blessed by so much support from family and friends. I left the hospital in so much pain, but so ready to get this new life started. My wonderful mother stepped up and watched my munchkin and waited on me hand and foot (she even gave me back massages!). The only problem? She still had to eat. My kiddo still had to eat. My husband still had to eat. I could not eat. Nothing. I was on an all liquid, zero calorie diet. (minus the ridiculously disgusting chicken broth I was allowed. barf.) And even though I had literally NO hunger, I cried. I cried because I was stressed, I was in pain, and I couldn't do the one thing I use to comfort myself - eat.

You see, the surgery doesn't change your mind. It only changes your physical insides. The mental battle doesn't end. That, you have to do yourself.

Don't get me wrong here. I am SO HAPPY I had the surgery. I've already lost 15 pounds. I've been forced to get up and move and do things to get my mind off of food. So guess what you guys, my house is clean. SHOCK ME, SHOCK ME, SHOCK ME. (Empire Records? No? Just me?)

This is going to be a long road, but I am so thankful that I had a successful surgery and that I'm healing really well so far. I know that my life is going to drastically change this next year and I know for a fact that I will not be 300 pounds when I turn 30 in January.

I hope you guys follow me on this journey. And I hope you're down for the good and the bad that comes with it. I have never sugar-coated anything on this blog. Oh also, You'll see that I changed the name. Bare with me as I try to find something that really really suits me. So far I'm really liking it.

So here we go:

Starting weight: 391 

Surgery weight: 335

Current weight: 319

Adios for now, y'all!
Tab

The Journey is never ending.

I can never seem to keep a blog going. I start to fail, or I get tired of hearing my voice say the same old thing all the time, so I quit. I lose motivation, I lose creativity, I lose an outlet for myself to write. And that makes me sad.

I think one of things I do, is I try to make it super public, and I want to share with everyone in their mother. Because, obviously everything I have to say is extremely important, you guys. But here's the thing, that means I'm not writing for me anymore. I'm writing for everyone else and what I think they might like to read. That's wrong. I should be writing for me, I should be making this my creative outlet and if it spreads to more readers, then so be it. But right now, this is for me.

Maybe some of you are still following me. If so, that's awesome. Thank you so much! I am excited to catch you up on what has been going on in my life...because it's been a lot. But first, I want you to know that I'm writing to let it all out for myself. Sometimes it's going to be wildly happy, and sometimes it's going to be wildly depressing. And I don't care if that bothers you. This is my journey, and I'm taking control of it again. (even though I totally still love you).

So what's up with me?

Well, I've decided to have the gastric bypass surgery done. Can you believe it? Man, the journey to saying that has been a long one. I actually started thinking about having surgery right after we found out we were infertile a few years ago. I went to a conference once about all the surgeries offered and I freaked out when they said, "We don't recommend that you try to have a baby until a year or two after the surgery." And I was like, "SCREW YOU GUYS, I'M HAVING A BABY WHEN I DAMN WELL PLEASE." .....yet here I am. No baby of my own...so I should have just gotten the damn surgery. Except...no I shouldn't have, really, because I wasn't mentally ready.

I'm mentally ready now. It's no longer about a baby. I have my own, wonderfully adopted, handsome little boy. Now it's about the fact that at my first doctor appointment with the surgeon, I stepped on the scale and it said 391 pounds. It's about the fact that I'd like to be around for that wonderfully obnoxious little 2 year old. If a baby comes from the surgery, man what a spectacular miracle, but that's not the important goal here. My life is.

So you know how I said that my first weigh in was 391? Well, my insurance requires me to do a doctor supervised diet 6 months prior to having the surgery. Today was my first month's weigh in.

I lost 17 pounds.

SEVENTEEN!

I am so beyond proud of myself, I feel amazing and confident in my ability to really do this! And I'm so exited that a year from now, that 17 could be a triple digit number.

The journey is on, people. Party on, Wayne!

Lent & Recipes!

Hey Guys! You're getting an extra post this week - in honor of Lent! Lucky you. (And hopefully you didn't give up reading my blog as part of that....awkward.)

Anyways, if you're not familiar - Catholics, and (most? some?) Christians give up something for the Lent period. What I have been taught, is that it is supposed to be something that has steered you away from God, something you're putting before God. I know, these days, a lot of people give up social media, like Facebook. My husband and I have recognized that we put food as the main focus in our house. To some, that may sound ridiculous, to us - it's truly an addiction and something that takes over our lives. We rarely ever tithe (something I'm not proud of), because we "don't have money to spare". When in reality, we spent hundreds on eating out at restaurants and fast food establishments.

So, instead of wasting that money - we are tithing it. And we are eating at home for the entire Lent season. This is truly going to be a challenge, because honestly I hate cooking. But! I can cook and I will cook for this reason.

So here is where I need YOUR help! I need recipes! I have tons, sure, but I need change and I need ones people have actually tried before and loved. I always "pin" recipes that claim to be the best recipe on Earth, and then no one in my house loves it. If you do share a recipe that falls under the list of things I'll eat (I'm weirdly picky) - I'll share the result with you on the blog!

I'm excited, people! Share away!

Oh, you totally wanted to know.

Woah. Did I really miss TWO Fridays? That seems insane! I'm sorry!

Well, while I was "gone", I lost 4 pounds! However, I will tell you - this is going soooo much slower than the last time I lost weight. The last time, I lost 6 pounds the first week! And then every week after that was at least 1-2 pounds. I know, I know, losing 4 pounds is better than nothing, trust me - I'm not complaining. I just need to step it up! Because, truthfully, I haven't really been trying. I've done a few active things and eaten a little better, but nothing of real effort.

Anyways, my creative juices haven't really been flowing (hence the lack of blog posts). But I want to force myself to still write, even when I don't feel like it. So please, stick with me here. I'm going to take this opportunity for you, my wonderful readers, to get to know me better. (And if you have a blog, I encourage you to do the same!)

I gathered these questions from quite a few blogs - I just picked my favorite questions, because I can.

Are you named after anyone? Yes. Tabitha from Bewitched. My mother will tell you it was from the Bible (Acts 9:36) but she's a liar! She totally named me after that darn kid witch. And I spent most of my childhood saying, "NO! I CAN'T WIGGLE MY NOSE!"

What's your favorite color? Orange! All shades of orange really. People assume it's because I'm a big Texas Longhorn fan, but it truly isn't. I even actually more prefer a BRIGHT orange!

Do you have a favorite movie? Ooooooh yes. It's the Rocky Horror Picture Show. It's a ridiculously wonderfully awful movie. And I love it more than I should. And I love Tim Curry. *sigh* If you want a more appropriate answer - my second favorite movie is Empire Records.

What do you want to be when you grow up? Can I say Tina Fey? Is that an answer? I want to be her. But mostly, I actually have always really wanted to be a writer. My dream is to write a book. I start it often, I have a notebook of random entries into this book. Now if only I could force myself to take time to write it. My dreams would come true.

What's your biggest pet peeve? OOOOOOHHHH don't get me started. I have way more than one huge pet peeve. But, the first one that comes to mind is when I'm in a large public bathroom, by myself, and someone comes in and sits in the stall RIGHT NEXT TO ME. Man that brings out a weird rage in me.

How about a favorite book? Running With Scissors by Augusten Burroughs. It's the only book I've ever read more than once, on purpose. I've read it five times actually. It's my favorite kind of book, a memoir. I actually love all his books, but that one is my favorite. A college professor at UTSA actually recommended it to me. I even got to meet Augusten Burroughs once!

oh...look at me wearing a Rocky Horror shirt. HAHA

Mac or PC?  PC, happily.

Do you have a favorite song? Oh yes. The Way You Make Me Feel - Michael Jackson

What's your favorite blog? I'd like to say it's something wonderfully profound, but it's CakeWrecks. HAHA. They crack me up. (And my friend Alyssa's blog - because her brain works like mine and she's an all around wonderful lady. And now she owes me ice cream or something for plugging that in there. Right? RIGHT? Let's see if she reads this and agrees.)

What's your obsession? Friends. The TV show Friends. Absolutely Friends. Oh it's unhealthy.


TELL ME ABOUT YOU! If you have a blog, (or if you don't - post in the comments!) copy and paste this and tell me things I might not know about you!



DID I MENTION I LOVE FRIENDS?

I choose happy.

Oh hello! Are you having an awesome Friday? I hope so.

You know, the world of weight loss can be a really scary, really upsetting, and a really lonely one. At least for me. It can feel like no one understands you and no one really cares. And then when you (read: me) sit and dwell on that feeling, the world comes crashing down around you. Because you know what? Even though you are doing what you need to do to lose the weight, the world is still going on around you. And you shouldn't miss out on the things that make you wonderfully happy, just because you (read: me) feel like you should punish yourself.

So what I mean is, I'm changing my attitude. And honestly, by choosing to focus on things that make me happy, I've actually been eating better, cooking my own food, and moving more. Funny how a simple attitude change can create a waterfall effect.

You know what makes me happy?

Open windows with sunlight shining in:

Open windows like mine make me want to clean my house, and a clean house makes my heart happy.

Shopping for greeting cards: 

I say this, because I just spent time in Walmart shopping for Valentine's cards to send to family members. I love opening every card and imagining them read it. I usually want a lot of room, so that I can write sweet things. <3

Bible Studies & Hot Chocolate:

Oh actually, this should have been on the list first. This is what is changing my life. I'm doing two Bible Studies a week (a women's one and a 20s & 30s group). And putting God first is changing it all. It's inspiring me to make better choices in my life, mostly with my attitude problem. Honestly, you know what I worry about? I worry that when people talk about me when I'm not around, they aren't saying great things. I want to live a life that makes people want to tell others how loving I am, how selfless I am, etc. And...considering I'm one of the most selfish people I know, I have some work to do. And also, who doesn't like hot chocolate on these crazy cold days?

Memoirs:

ooooooooooooooh how I love memoirs, real stories from people's lives, especially when they're funny. My favorite memoir is Running With Scissors by Augusten Burroughs. But after that it is Tina Fey's Bossypants and my current love is Yes Please by Amy Poehler. *sigh* I could go on for days.

I know this post was a little different from the normal. I could tell you a thousand things that make me smile. And maybe I'll do a post like this every once in a while to remind myself of all the wonderful little things in the world.

I hope you guys are inspired to start focusing on the happy more often.

MOVE IT.

Oh man, did I have a wake up call yesterday. One of my biggest fears is coming true. My child is picking up my bad habits, he's going down the same path. I swore that I would never let that happen when I had kids. I don't want them to have the same weight struggle, the same pain I have dealt with my entire life. Every time I walk into the kitchen (which is where a lot more things are for us, like our washer/dryer, access to the garage) he throws a tantrum for food. Unfortunately, it's because every time I go that way, I come back out with food. He expects food, all day. He also is starting to sit on the couch.... a lot. Like me. Like my husband. He throws fits when we drive past fast food. Oh man, that's the one I'm most ashamed of, he knows what fast food is from a distance.

So today, today I cooked all of our food. Today we went on not one walk, but two. Well, the second one was forced, but whatever.

First, we ate lunch and we went for a walk:

And let me tell you something, YES. We were totally those parents with our kid on a leash. And I don't, for one minute, judge myself. Because he is two and he's a psycho that runs off and hides in bushes. I know this, because I tried that. So if it means that my child gets off his booty and walks, then he's on a leash. Now, it was a nightmare, because he thought it was a blast to spin in a circle and get tangled up, BUT WHATEVER. But he was still moving. He walked a lot with us. Then I figured I could be a nice mommy and let him play:

Then, we came home, he took his nap and then we made dinner! And then our entire complex's power went out and he wasn't havin' any of that, so we went for another walk:

And oh how he loves to move. How he loves to explore and be outside. I never want him to lose that.

So, I vow to make an effort to move WITH my child every day at least once a day.

How do you move? Are you alone? Do you take someone with you? Are you trapped inside or exploring our world? No way you move is wrong. Just MOVE! If I can move, you can move.

GET UP! (after you read my blog and share with everyone you love, duh.)

So tell me, what's your plan to get moving?

I am so lazy.

In fact, I'm pretty positive I'm the laziest person I know (minus my dog, Wiggles). After spending a few days at my in-laws, I have realized how much I sit all day. My wonderful mother in law spends her days running around the house, serving us and doing all kinds of wonderful things for everyone. When she's not doing that, she's doing her exercises, or fixing herself something healthy to eat (she's lost over 100 pounds on Weight Watchers). And I realize, here I am. Sitting. Not doing anything. Not exercising, not fixing myself healthy food. Not doing anything for anyone, sitting. Maybe sometimes I'm sitting on the floor, playing Legos with my kiddo.

And I think to myself, that's sad. It is so sad that my child is spending all day with me, seeing me sit. This will be the norm in his mind. And that's not okay. Also, I need to get off my butt and exercise. I need to move. MOVE. It was so cold outside today, my MIL couldn't go on a walk like she usually does. Do you know what she did instead? She walked around the house. Seriously. Around the kitchen table, around the living room, down the hall. She walked, and she kept walking. My son followed behind.

I admire my MIL so much for that. She knows what she needs to do to achieve what she wants, and she does it. Sure she has days where she doesn't stick to the plan, but I am more than certain she has more motivated days than others. I know this, because I have seen this woman in action.

Outside of weight loss, she is still moving. She's cooking and doing crafts and she's serving. Oh what a wonderful servant's heart she has. She is the most giving and loving and serving woman I know. She is quite the woman to be admired. Such a Godly woman. A woman who has qualities that I would like to have. Not only do I want to be making my weight loss goals happen, I want to be a servant of God. I want someone to look at me the way I look at her sometimes. Like I am the image of what God would want me to be.

This post turned into a love letter to my MIL it seems, I don't even know if she reads this blog. But, that's not the point really.

Sometimes the change you need to make in yourself isn't just for weight loss, instead it's a change that will effect every move you make, to be for the better.