I am so lazy.

In fact, I'm pretty positive I'm the laziest person I know (minus my dog, Wiggles). After spending a few days at my in-laws, I have realized how much I sit all day. My wonderful mother in law spends her days running around the house, serving us and doing all kinds of wonderful things for everyone. When she's not doing that, she's doing her exercises, or fixing herself something healthy to eat (she's lost over 100 pounds on Weight Watchers). And I realize, here I am. Sitting. Not doing anything. Not exercising, not fixing myself healthy food. Not doing anything for anyone, sitting. Maybe sometimes I'm sitting on the floor, playing Legos with my kiddo.

And I think to myself, that's sad. It is so sad that my child is spending all day with me, seeing me sit. This will be the norm in his mind. And that's not okay. Also, I need to get off my butt and exercise. I need to move. MOVE. It was so cold outside today, my MIL couldn't go on a walk like she usually does. Do you know what she did instead? She walked around the house. Seriously. Around the kitchen table, around the living room, down the hall. She walked, and she kept walking. My son followed behind.

I admire my MIL so much for that. She knows what she needs to do to achieve what she wants, and she does it. Sure she has days where she doesn't stick to the plan, but I am more than certain she has more motivated days than others. I know this, because I have seen this woman in action.

Outside of weight loss, she is still moving. She's cooking and doing crafts and she's serving. Oh what a wonderful servant's heart she has. She is the most giving and loving and serving woman I know. She is quite the woman to be admired. Such a Godly woman. A woman who has qualities that I would like to have. Not only do I want to be making my weight loss goals happen, I want to be a servant of God. I want someone to look at me the way I look at her sometimes. Like I am the image of what God would want me to be.

This post turned into a love letter to my MIL it seems, I don't even know if she reads this blog. But, that's not the point really.

Sometimes the change you need to make in yourself isn't just for weight loss, instead it's a change that will effect every move you make, to be for the better.

Chocolate Milk

Is it just me, or do some days just need to end with some chocolate milk?

How is everyone? I haven't blogged like normal, with good reason (at least I think so). My littlest foster baby went back to his bio family on Thursday and my heart was very broken. However, guess what? I LOST half a pound at Weight Watchers on Saturday. haha I really did not see that coming, considering I'm pretty sure I ate everything in my house. So YAY!

Beginning weight: 352.6

Current weight: 345.5

Total loss: -7.1 pounds

So let's talk about shopping. Who here loves shopping? I'll tell you the truth. I love shopping because I just want to buy stuff. However, clothes shopping isn't the kind of shopping I want to do. I hate it, LOATHE it. In fact, once upon a time, I was a manager at (I won't name names) a "plus-size ladies store". When I was hired, they send you to one of their other stores to train along side another manager. One of the things you had to do, and I completely understand, is to try on all kinds of their clothes and really get to know the way things fit and work and all that. I totally get it. However, being that they were a plus-sized women's store, you think they would be more sensitive to this fact. I will never forget the first day when they had me try on all different styles of jeans and none of them fit. NOT. ONE. And I cried in the dressing room when the lady had walked off to help someone. Ugh what a nightmare. That's how I feel just even walking into a store, like it is going to end in failure. Isn't that awful? I actually can't even remember a time when I could just walk into a store and feel confident. 

I've noticed that because of this, I don't ever feel like I look pretty, and I don't. Tonight I was wearing sweat pants and a duck dynasty shirt. Hair in a messy ponytail and no makeup. And that makes me so sad to think about, that I make no effort in my day-to-day. And that actually transfers quickly into my attitude about myself in general. And then I end up accusing my husband of not finding me attractive and then he just sits there like a deer in headlights because why am I saying that while he's trying to watch tv in peace? 

So this is going to be my next challenge, get dressed if I go anywhere outside of the house. (I mean obviously I get dressed, I mean not sweatpants and hair up) And if anyone knows me, I don't take selfies, because they drive me nuts, but I will do my best do try to take a selfie to show that this is my challenge this week! 

What things do you do to make yourself feel beautiful? Ways to boost your self esteem? Tell me!

Numbers.

Good Morning! (I type that as I'm sucking down coffee watching Disney Jr., take that any way you like.)

I have been itching to blog all weekend, but I'm finally getting a chance to sit down this morning. As many of you know, my plan of attack on this weight loss is Weight Watchers, pretty much my favorite program ever. That's because it works. And it works because it's not a restrictive diet. It's not a diet at all. If I want a piece of cake, I can have one - GUILT FREE. (I just have to make sure I saved enough points for it!)

I've been doing WW off and on for over a decade now. WOW. That's insane to think about. I've started and stopped more times than I can count. (most times due to lack of money). The last time I joined I lost 50 pounds in 6 months and I was feeling GREAT. Then, I hit a mental roadblock. (I'll get into that another time) But, here I am again - back at the start! And guess what? After my first week (I weigh in Saturday mornings) I lost SIX pounds! SIX!

This time, joining WW, I weighed in at the HIGHEST I have ever weighed in my life. That was terrifying. I hated seeing that number, it was heartbreaking. Heartbreaking that I had lost 50 pounds, and then gained it all back - plus more. I let my life take over and used every excuse in the book and it makes me feel awful. But there's nothing I can do about that, no amount of crying about it will change that it happened. All I can do is keep doing Day 1 until it sticks. And like I always say, "This is the last Day 1 I will ever have." And this time, I really really want it to be true.

I'm going to tell you my weight from now on when I do my loss updates. Now, don't freak out. Because to me, this is just a number. It's the truth. If I lied to you and told you a different amount, it wouldn't matter. I would still be the true amount. It's like when people take these perfectly beautiful pictures and then complain about how awful they look and don't let anyone see it. Like, dude. That's how you look. Embrace it and love it. I can see you. You hiding a picture doesn't change the fact that I can see you. (this could turn into an ugly rant I have about this, so I'll just stop here) Point being: This is what I weigh, and that's that. Move along. (also, I'm pretty sure if I cut off my chest alone about 50 pounds would disappear)

Beginning weight: 352.6

Current weight: 346.6

Total loss: -6 pounds

So there it is. The last time you'll ever see those numbers.

Next blog topic: My attempt at green smoothies.

Leave me some of your favorite green smoothie recipes below to try for my next blog!

Forgetting Fat?

Welcome to my blog! Let me start off with a warning: This is a weight loss blog. This can get emotional, this can get angry, and this could get overwhelmingly happy. If you don't want to be on a roller coaster ride with me, then don't go any farther. I'm not sugar coating anything here. Also, I'm not an English major and I'm not paying anyone to proof read this, so get off me with the correcting of where a comma should be. Nor do I truly care where it should be.

If you do want to be a part of this roller coaster then sit down, strap on your seat belt and hold on tight!

Why is it called Forgetting Fat? (I seriously just typed fart .. awwwwkward)
It's called that, because I would love for the world to forget that word. But, since I know that'll never happen, I'm going to work on me forgetting that word. It's full of hate. I am very overweight. I know this. I don't need the judgmental looks from strangers when I have to squeeze into a chair or when I'm out of breath walking up some stairs. I get it. I'm aware. To call someone 'fat' is hurtful and isn't doing anyone a favor. In fact, let's just clear something up here - calling anyone any hateful name isn't doing anyone any favors. You will NEVER truly know what that person has gone through or how they got there. 

Let me be clear on another thing - I am very aware that I put the food in my mouth. I chose to eat Whataburger several times a week (and sometimes more than once a day). I chose to sit on the couch for hours watching trashy TV shows and eating tubs of ice cream. I'm not crying about how "I didn't know I was getting so big!" "OMG WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN??" Not here. Gaining weight is very very much a mental battle, and there are reasons a person gets to that point.

For me, every pound represents the life I've gone through. I didn't wake up one day and say "Let me pack on the pounds, I'd love to not fit in a airplane seat!". Instead, I've turned to food for comfort, spite, anger, happiness, love, and a thousand other feelings. My pounds represent times I was made fun of, or asked when my baby was due (never been pregnant), boys calling me "just a friend", disappointment, failures. They also represent birthday celebrations, and holidays, as well as wonderful date nights. It's an addiction. As I share with you my current weight loss journey, I will also share with you stories of my past journeys and how I got to where I am and to where I'm going.

But here I am, at square one for the hundredth time. And I'm happy to be here.