I am so lazy.

In fact, I'm pretty positive I'm the laziest person I know (minus my dog, Wiggles). After spending a few days at my in-laws, I have realized how much I sit all day. My wonderful mother in law spends her days running around the house, serving us and doing all kinds of wonderful things for everyone. When she's not doing that, she's doing her exercises, or fixing herself something healthy to eat (she's lost over 100 pounds on Weight Watchers). And I realize, here I am. Sitting. Not doing anything. Not exercising, not fixing myself healthy food. Not doing anything for anyone, sitting. Maybe sometimes I'm sitting on the floor, playing Legos with my kiddo.

And I think to myself, that's sad. It is so sad that my child is spending all day with me, seeing me sit. This will be the norm in his mind. And that's not okay. Also, I need to get off my butt and exercise. I need to move. MOVE. It was so cold outside today, my MIL couldn't go on a walk like she usually does. Do you know what she did instead? She walked around the house. Seriously. Around the kitchen table, around the living room, down the hall. She walked, and she kept walking. My son followed behind.

I admire my MIL so much for that. She knows what she needs to do to achieve what she wants, and she does it. Sure she has days where she doesn't stick to the plan, but I am more than certain she has more motivated days than others. I know this, because I have seen this woman in action.

Outside of weight loss, she is still moving. She's cooking and doing crafts and she's serving. Oh what a wonderful servant's heart she has. She is the most giving and loving and serving woman I know. She is quite the woman to be admired. Such a Godly woman. A woman who has qualities that I would like to have. Not only do I want to be making my weight loss goals happen, I want to be a servant of God. I want someone to look at me the way I look at her sometimes. Like I am the image of what God would want me to be.

This post turned into a love letter to my MIL it seems, I don't even know if she reads this blog. But, that's not the point really.

Sometimes the change you need to make in yourself isn't just for weight loss, instead it's a change that will effect every move you make, to be for the better.

Forgiveness in 2015.

I have started this blog post a million times. Every time, it comes out down in the dumps and "poor me". And then I was thinking about my New Year Resolution: Forgiveness. Not only forgiving those that have hurt me, but forgiving myself for the way I treat myself.

So that being said, I forgive myself for not succeeding in weigh loss this year, as planned. I had a wild year, full of amazing things.

1. I had 4 foster children, total. Can you believe it? I HAD FOUR CHILDREN THIS YEAR! I was an emotional mess.

2. I adopted a little boy. A wonderful, gorgeous, loving little boy.

3. My munchkin turned TWO!

4. We celebrated our first holiday season as a family. <3

Sure, those are over-used excuses for gaining weight. But I forgive myself for using them. I'm moving on - I'm starting again (again).

So I have some plans for 2015:

1. Go to Weight Watchers every week. EVERY WEEK.

2. Do 30 minutes of activity every day. Even if it means just a walk around the park while my kid drags behind me.

3, Blog on Fridays. (Forgetting Fat Fridays!)

4. Put on make up and get dressed.- That one doesn't have to do with weight loss, but it has to do with feeling good about myself.

5. Forgive myself. I make mistakes, I'm human. I need to be forgiven. Everyone does.

My Comeback.

Today I sat outside of my local Weight Watchers trying very hard to convince myself to go inside. I even had the website pulled up on my phone, ready to push the 'cancel subscription' button. I'm so tired of starting over, constantly. I even posted on Facebook that I was trying very hard to inspire myself to go inside, and thanks to kind words from friends, I took my butt inside. And they gave me a sticker.

Very unfortunately, I weighed in at the highest weight I have ever been in my entire life. Oh how I fought back those tears. And when I left the meeting, I called my mother. And I cried uncontrollably. Then I called my husband, and I cried more uncontrollably.

Then I remembered something that helped me the first time I lost a bunch of weight. I took it one day at a time. One pound at a time. 

It's scary thinking about how far I have to go, how much weight I have to lose to get to a 'healthy' body weight. Two hundred pounds is the number, in case you were wondering. That kind of amount makes you just want to say "SCREW IT!" and give up. But I can't. I can't give up.

So I went to the gym.

And for today, I am back on track. 

And tomorrow, I will take that day as it comes to me. One day at a time.

That time I almost killed someone.

Okay, I never really almost killed anyone. (Unless you count that time I hit a guy at a crosswalk when I was 16. Calm down, I was only going 2 mph and he dramatically rolled up on my hood, then looked at me and laughed. MAYBE he shouldn't have ran in front of my car while it was moving. JUST SAYING.)

Anyways, the person I'm almost killing is me. I'm killing myself by remaining unhealthy. I know that. And I'm not proud of myself. Let me do some explaining.

You see, that first week of Paleo was great, y'all. I lost 10 pounds and I was feeling good. Except, I wasn't. You see, just because I'm eating healthy and losing weight, doesn't mean what's inside me feels great. And that's the part you don't see when you look at someone you find to be fat and obese. (for example, check out the work by Julia Kozerski [NSFW])

The first week, I hated most of the food. I was unhappy at every meal because I missed the flavors I'm used to and I would just cry over the change. This then transitioned into the second week of Paleo when I decided to do one of two things: I would either skip my meals - or I would cheat horribly. Which, of course, would then spark the inner voice telling me what an awful failure I am. And how I'm just letting not only myself, but everyone down.

You know, I wanted to start a weight loss blog and share my journey with you guys. But then when I start to do what I consider failing, I don't want to blog anymore because I feel like you guys don't want to hear that stuff. BUT then I remind myself why I actually did start this blog. I started it so that everyone has a glimpse of a REAL weight loss journey. A reminder that you really don't know everyone's journey and that it isn't as easy as "JUST DO IT", like several people I know seem to think it is.

The good news is that I've managed to keep off 6 of the 10 pounds I've lost.

So after much much much discussion with my husband we came to this conclusion: There is no fast track. There is nothing we can do- other than getting up every day, eat as healthy as we can and move. MOVE. We are still going to use Paleo as a base for our plan, but we aren't going to be so hard on ourselves. We are going to try to do some just basic gluten free stuff or hell, if we want a piece of cake, we are going to have one and we aren't going to kill ourselves over it. We are going to learn to eat ONE serving...instead of the 4 we eat every time we sit down. But mostly? We are going to take it one day at a time.

We can do this. We can all do this. But it takes much more than you think it does, so be positive and be supportive of each other. Don't allow negativity and don't allow people to sabotage you. Don't sabotage yourself. Most importantly? Breathe. Just breathe.

Paleo: Week One.

Oh....my...gaaahhhhhh

Week one is finished, you guys. That is the HARDEST thing I have ever done. My husband and I spent the whole week trying to talk ourselves out of doing this, and surprisingly didn't succeed in doing so. Especially since I hated most of the recipes I tried. (I'm a super picky eater AND I think my taste buds were like WTF IS THIS HEALTHY STUFF YOU'RE FEEDING US?) And I will be very honest and tell you I cried a few times. (I realize I sound super dramatic here, but I'm just being honest and if you're telling me that you can switch to Paleo and not morn the loss of how you used to eat, then you're awful and I hate you. *no, not really, that's the gluten-free talking*) We just need to keep trying new recipes and find ones that work for us!

Two of my favorite things were breakfast and "dessert".

Crustless Quiche and Bacon

Green smoothie "ice cream"

At the completion of our week, my husband and I had a movie date and we ate just a little bit of popcorn and ice cream and we both felt crazy sick after. That really showed me the stuff I used to put in my body every day. Scary really. It's like I could feel the nasty stuff flowing through and it was gross.

Now, I'm not going to tell you I'll follow Paleo 100%. I do loooooove dairy. So my husband and I agreed that we could have dairy once a week. As well as one sugar item. If we restrict ourselves from those things then I will start to hate eating this way and I will fail. Gluten-free is my main goal and as long as I always stick to that, I'm happy.

So are you curious how the weight loss went? (If you're my Facebook friend, then you already know.)

My husband lost 10 pounds and I lost....

11.

That's right, ELEVEN.

I'm so proud of us this week. For actually sticking with it, even when we were trying to talk each other out of it. I am excited to keep trying this! On to week 2....

Grocery Shopping Adventures with Tab!

I find a lot of things in the world ridiculous. Let me tell you about two of them.

1.) The price of healthy food. 

I know I'm not the only person to say this, but damn healthy food is expensive. That's ridiculous. I won't even tell you my grocery bill from doing my first week of Paleo shopping. I'm not gonna lie, I told my husband "I'd rather be fat and roll around in my money." (obviously I would rather not be fat, calm down)

It's sad that you can charge so much to eat the healthy stuff. How is that okay? No wonder we are all obese. A half gallon of ice cream is $4... same as a dozen of organic eggs. Tell me how that works. So I'll tell you the truth, I understand why people just buy the cheaper easier stuff. I don't blame you one bit.

Unfortunately, if I don't start eating the expensive, healthy stuff, I'll be on the next season of 'My 600-Pound Life'. I obviously can't handle my share of the cheap stuff.

oooohhhhh greeeeeennnn.

2.) How uncomfortable I was shopping for the healthy stuff.

Here's the thing, I was a "take that Name Brand Lasagna out of the fridge and throw that delicious crap in the oven and talk to me in an hour" kinda girl. I, of course, have been in the produce section before. I just, have never been in it to buy something other than some onions or bananas. I was overwhelmed and actually felt tears in my throat when I was trying to find all these new items (persimmon? fennel? WTF. Gimme a picture or something.) I, then, felt so embarrassed when I had to ask where stuff was. I felt fat and out of place. Like, if I would venture out of a fast food burger once in a while I would know where this crap is. Does that make sense? DO YA FEEL ME, Y'ALL?

Anyways, I just wanted to share those two things with you guys and let you know you're not alone if you feel this way too.

On the plus side, I am so excited to blog and tell you how my first week went! (Weigh in on Tuesday!)

I'm being set up....

Do you ever have little things happen to you that you can't help but think, "God is setting me up for something."? Let me tell you why I ask this:

My sweet husband and I have been really struggling with my infertility. We just can't seem to get past it and it hurts a lot, emotionally. I am also continuously falling off the diet wagon and feeling like a complete failure. (previous info: Doc thinks that MAYBE if I lose enough weight, I will start ovulating).

Currently I have to go once a month to get my monthly cycle started because mine does not start on its own. Which has become a complete pain, because I can't find an agency approved babysitter to watch my sweet foster baby in the middle of a work day, go figure. So I've been very bad about going to get my cycle started, which is very very dangerous to do, health-wise. Therefore, Hubs and I talked about me going on the pill, so that it'll just automatically start every month without me having to go to the doctor.

Now, if you don't know...for me this is extremely emotional. This is me admitting that I won't be having a baby and I'm leaving no room for a miracle. Which, might sound insane to you, but to me this is perfectly acceptable. So upon making my doctor's appointment to get the prescription...I cried. (Appt. scheduled for today, April 21st.)

So let's go to another part of the story for a moment.

As much as I try to ignore it, because I would eat a loaf of bread a day if you'd let me, there have been so so so many blogs and articles about women with PCOS needing to go Gluten Free. (which I tried once for like 2 months and I broke down and ate soooooooooo much pasta and bread omg.) And not only that.... messageboards are being flooded by women with PCOS who have gone GF and started ovulating and getting pregnant. Y'all, I just can't ignore it. As much as I want to currently sit in a corner, hugging a loaf of honey wheat bread and cry. Husband is really excited to be on board (who is this man and what has he done with my husband?) and after much debate... this is what we decided this past Thursday:

Yep. Paleo. And honestly, as much of an uphill battle this will be, something tells me it is going to be so worth it.

So let's then talk about Friday, 24 hours after purchasing this book and making this decision.... my doctor calling to cancel my appointment for today.

I really really hope this is God setting me up for something fantastic.

Or it's just coincidence...but whatever I choose to believe the fantastic part.