Oh, you totally wanted to know.

Woah. Did I really miss TWO Fridays? That seems insane! I'm sorry!

Well, while I was "gone", I lost 4 pounds! However, I will tell you - this is going soooo much slower than the last time I lost weight. The last time, I lost 6 pounds the first week! And then every week after that was at least 1-2 pounds. I know, I know, losing 4 pounds is better than nothing, trust me - I'm not complaining. I just need to step it up! Because, truthfully, I haven't really been trying. I've done a few active things and eaten a little better, but nothing of real effort.

Anyways, my creative juices haven't really been flowing (hence the lack of blog posts). But I want to force myself to still write, even when I don't feel like it. So please, stick with me here. I'm going to take this opportunity for you, my wonderful readers, to get to know me better. (And if you have a blog, I encourage you to do the same!)

I gathered these questions from quite a few blogs - I just picked my favorite questions, because I can.

Are you named after anyone? Yes. Tabitha from Bewitched. My mother will tell you it was from the Bible (Acts 9:36) but she's a liar! She totally named me after that darn kid witch. And I spent most of my childhood saying, "NO! I CAN'T WIGGLE MY NOSE!"

What's your favorite color? Orange! All shades of orange really. People assume it's because I'm a big Texas Longhorn fan, but it truly isn't. I even actually more prefer a BRIGHT orange!

Do you have a favorite movie? Ooooooh yes. It's the Rocky Horror Picture Show. It's a ridiculously wonderfully awful movie. And I love it more than I should. And I love Tim Curry. *sigh* If you want a more appropriate answer - my second favorite movie is Empire Records.

What do you want to be when you grow up? Can I say Tina Fey? Is that an answer? I want to be her. But mostly, I actually have always really wanted to be a writer. My dream is to write a book. I start it often, I have a notebook of random entries into this book. Now if only I could force myself to take time to write it. My dreams would come true.

What's your biggest pet peeve? OOOOOOHHHH don't get me started. I have way more than one huge pet peeve. But, the first one that comes to mind is when I'm in a large public bathroom, by myself, and someone comes in and sits in the stall RIGHT NEXT TO ME. Man that brings out a weird rage in me.

How about a favorite book? Running With Scissors by Augusten Burroughs. It's the only book I've ever read more than once, on purpose. I've read it five times actually. It's my favorite kind of book, a memoir. I actually love all his books, but that one is my favorite. A college professor at UTSA actually recommended it to me. I even got to meet Augusten Burroughs once!

oh...look at me wearing a Rocky Horror shirt. HAHA

Mac or PC?  PC, happily.

Do you have a favorite song? Oh yes. The Way You Make Me Feel - Michael Jackson

What's your favorite blog? I'd like to say it's something wonderfully profound, but it's CakeWrecks. HAHA. They crack me up. (And my friend Alyssa's blog - because her brain works like mine and she's an all around wonderful lady. And now she owes me ice cream or something for plugging that in there. Right? RIGHT? Let's see if she reads this and agrees.)

What's your obsession? Friends. The TV show Friends. Absolutely Friends. Oh it's unhealthy.


TELL ME ABOUT YOU! If you have a blog, (or if you don't - post in the comments!) copy and paste this and tell me things I might not know about you!



DID I MENTION I LOVE FRIENDS?

I choose happy.

Oh hello! Are you having an awesome Friday? I hope so.

You know, the world of weight loss can be a really scary, really upsetting, and a really lonely one. At least for me. It can feel like no one understands you and no one really cares. And then when you (read: me) sit and dwell on that feeling, the world comes crashing down around you. Because you know what? Even though you are doing what you need to do to lose the weight, the world is still going on around you. And you shouldn't miss out on the things that make you wonderfully happy, just because you (read: me) feel like you should punish yourself.

So what I mean is, I'm changing my attitude. And honestly, by choosing to focus on things that make me happy, I've actually been eating better, cooking my own food, and moving more. Funny how a simple attitude change can create a waterfall effect.

You know what makes me happy?

Open windows with sunlight shining in:

Open windows like mine make me want to clean my house, and a clean house makes my heart happy.

Shopping for greeting cards: 

I say this, because I just spent time in Walmart shopping for Valentine's cards to send to family members. I love opening every card and imagining them read it. I usually want a lot of room, so that I can write sweet things. <3

Bible Studies & Hot Chocolate:

Oh actually, this should have been on the list first. This is what is changing my life. I'm doing two Bible Studies a week (a women's one and a 20s & 30s group). And putting God first is changing it all. It's inspiring me to make better choices in my life, mostly with my attitude problem. Honestly, you know what I worry about? I worry that when people talk about me when I'm not around, they aren't saying great things. I want to live a life that makes people want to tell others how loving I am, how selfless I am, etc. And...considering I'm one of the most selfish people I know, I have some work to do. And also, who doesn't like hot chocolate on these crazy cold days?

Memoirs:

ooooooooooooooh how I love memoirs, real stories from people's lives, especially when they're funny. My favorite memoir is Running With Scissors by Augusten Burroughs. But after that it is Tina Fey's Bossypants and my current love is Yes Please by Amy Poehler. *sigh* I could go on for days.

I know this post was a little different from the normal. I could tell you a thousand things that make me smile. And maybe I'll do a post like this every once in a while to remind myself of all the wonderful little things in the world.

I hope you guys are inspired to start focusing on the happy more often.

MOVE IT.

Oh man, did I have a wake up call yesterday. One of my biggest fears is coming true. My child is picking up my bad habits, he's going down the same path. I swore that I would never let that happen when I had kids. I don't want them to have the same weight struggle, the same pain I have dealt with my entire life. Every time I walk into the kitchen (which is where a lot more things are for us, like our washer/dryer, access to the garage) he throws a tantrum for food. Unfortunately, it's because every time I go that way, I come back out with food. He expects food, all day. He also is starting to sit on the couch.... a lot. Like me. Like my husband. He throws fits when we drive past fast food. Oh man, that's the one I'm most ashamed of, he knows what fast food is from a distance.

So today, today I cooked all of our food. Today we went on not one walk, but two. Well, the second one was forced, but whatever.

First, we ate lunch and we went for a walk:

And let me tell you something, YES. We were totally those parents with our kid on a leash. And I don't, for one minute, judge myself. Because he is two and he's a psycho that runs off and hides in bushes. I know this, because I tried that. So if it means that my child gets off his booty and walks, then he's on a leash. Now, it was a nightmare, because he thought it was a blast to spin in a circle and get tangled up, BUT WHATEVER. But he was still moving. He walked a lot with us. Then I figured I could be a nice mommy and let him play:

Then, we came home, he took his nap and then we made dinner! And then our entire complex's power went out and he wasn't havin' any of that, so we went for another walk:

And oh how he loves to move. How he loves to explore and be outside. I never want him to lose that.

So, I vow to make an effort to move WITH my child every day at least once a day.

How do you move? Are you alone? Do you take someone with you? Are you trapped inside or exploring our world? No way you move is wrong. Just MOVE! If I can move, you can move.

GET UP! (after you read my blog and share with everyone you love, duh.)

So tell me, what's your plan to get moving?

I am so lazy.

In fact, I'm pretty positive I'm the laziest person I know (minus my dog, Wiggles). After spending a few days at my in-laws, I have realized how much I sit all day. My wonderful mother in law spends her days running around the house, serving us and doing all kinds of wonderful things for everyone. When she's not doing that, she's doing her exercises, or fixing herself something healthy to eat (she's lost over 100 pounds on Weight Watchers). And I realize, here I am. Sitting. Not doing anything. Not exercising, not fixing myself healthy food. Not doing anything for anyone, sitting. Maybe sometimes I'm sitting on the floor, playing Legos with my kiddo.

And I think to myself, that's sad. It is so sad that my child is spending all day with me, seeing me sit. This will be the norm in his mind. And that's not okay. Also, I need to get off my butt and exercise. I need to move. MOVE. It was so cold outside today, my MIL couldn't go on a walk like she usually does. Do you know what she did instead? She walked around the house. Seriously. Around the kitchen table, around the living room, down the hall. She walked, and she kept walking. My son followed behind.

I admire my MIL so much for that. She knows what she needs to do to achieve what she wants, and she does it. Sure she has days where she doesn't stick to the plan, but I am more than certain she has more motivated days than others. I know this, because I have seen this woman in action.

Outside of weight loss, she is still moving. She's cooking and doing crafts and she's serving. Oh what a wonderful servant's heart she has. She is the most giving and loving and serving woman I know. She is quite the woman to be admired. Such a Godly woman. A woman who has qualities that I would like to have. Not only do I want to be making my weight loss goals happen, I want to be a servant of God. I want someone to look at me the way I look at her sometimes. Like I am the image of what God would want me to be.

This post turned into a love letter to my MIL it seems, I don't even know if she reads this blog. But, that's not the point really.

Sometimes the change you need to make in yourself isn't just for weight loss, instead it's a change that will effect every move you make, to be for the better.

Forgiveness in 2015.

I have started this blog post a million times. Every time, it comes out down in the dumps and "poor me". And then I was thinking about my New Year Resolution: Forgiveness. Not only forgiving those that have hurt me, but forgiving myself for the way I treat myself.

So that being said, I forgive myself for not succeeding in weigh loss this year, as planned. I had a wild year, full of amazing things.

1. I had 4 foster children, total. Can you believe it? I HAD FOUR CHILDREN THIS YEAR! I was an emotional mess.

2. I adopted a little boy. A wonderful, gorgeous, loving little boy.

3. My munchkin turned TWO!

4. We celebrated our first holiday season as a family. <3

Sure, those are over-used excuses for gaining weight. But I forgive myself for using them. I'm moving on - I'm starting again (again).

So I have some plans for 2015:

1. Go to Weight Watchers every week. EVERY WEEK.

2. Do 30 minutes of activity every day. Even if it means just a walk around the park while my kid drags behind me.

3, Blog on Fridays. (Forgetting Fat Fridays!)

4. Put on make up and get dressed.- That one doesn't have to do with weight loss, but it has to do with feeling good about myself.

5. Forgive myself. I make mistakes, I'm human. I need to be forgiven. Everyone does.

My Comeback.

Today I sat outside of my local Weight Watchers trying very hard to convince myself to go inside. I even had the website pulled up on my phone, ready to push the 'cancel subscription' button. I'm so tired of starting over, constantly. I even posted on Facebook that I was trying very hard to inspire myself to go inside, and thanks to kind words from friends, I took my butt inside. And they gave me a sticker.

Very unfortunately, I weighed in at the highest weight I have ever been in my entire life. Oh how I fought back those tears. And when I left the meeting, I called my mother. And I cried uncontrollably. Then I called my husband, and I cried more uncontrollably.

Then I remembered something that helped me the first time I lost a bunch of weight. I took it one day at a time. One pound at a time. 

It's scary thinking about how far I have to go, how much weight I have to lose to get to a 'healthy' body weight. Two hundred pounds is the number, in case you were wondering. That kind of amount makes you just want to say "SCREW IT!" and give up. But I can't. I can't give up.

So I went to the gym.

And for today, I am back on track. 

And tomorrow, I will take that day as it comes to me. One day at a time.

That time I almost killed someone.

Okay, I never really almost killed anyone. (Unless you count that time I hit a guy at a crosswalk when I was 16. Calm down, I was only going 2 mph and he dramatically rolled up on my hood, then looked at me and laughed. MAYBE he shouldn't have ran in front of my car while it was moving. JUST SAYING.)

Anyways, the person I'm almost killing is me. I'm killing myself by remaining unhealthy. I know that. And I'm not proud of myself. Let me do some explaining.

You see, that first week of Paleo was great, y'all. I lost 10 pounds and I was feeling good. Except, I wasn't. You see, just because I'm eating healthy and losing weight, doesn't mean what's inside me feels great. And that's the part you don't see when you look at someone you find to be fat and obese. (for example, check out the work by Julia Kozerski [NSFW])

The first week, I hated most of the food. I was unhappy at every meal because I missed the flavors I'm used to and I would just cry over the change. This then transitioned into the second week of Paleo when I decided to do one of two things: I would either skip my meals - or I would cheat horribly. Which, of course, would then spark the inner voice telling me what an awful failure I am. And how I'm just letting not only myself, but everyone down.

You know, I wanted to start a weight loss blog and share my journey with you guys. But then when I start to do what I consider failing, I don't want to blog anymore because I feel like you guys don't want to hear that stuff. BUT then I remind myself why I actually did start this blog. I started it so that everyone has a glimpse of a REAL weight loss journey. A reminder that you really don't know everyone's journey and that it isn't as easy as "JUST DO IT", like several people I know seem to think it is.

The good news is that I've managed to keep off 6 of the 10 pounds I've lost.

So after much much much discussion with my husband we came to this conclusion: There is no fast track. There is nothing we can do- other than getting up every day, eat as healthy as we can and move. MOVE. We are still going to use Paleo as a base for our plan, but we aren't going to be so hard on ourselves. We are going to try to do some just basic gluten free stuff or hell, if we want a piece of cake, we are going to have one and we aren't going to kill ourselves over it. We are going to learn to eat ONE serving...instead of the 4 we eat every time we sit down. But mostly? We are going to take it one day at a time.

We can do this. We can all do this. But it takes much more than you think it does, so be positive and be supportive of each other. Don't allow negativity and don't allow people to sabotage you. Don't sabotage yourself. Most importantly? Breathe. Just breathe.