It is 4:46am and I am awake, thanks to a certain little 4 month old who has decided it's GOOD MORNING! time. I mean, obviously he hates me.
I didn't update after my weigh in on Saturday. Probably because I gained 3 pounds and I was pissed off and felt like a failure. And maybe that's because I ate out all week and didn't record one meal or count any points. This is how I fell off the wagon last time, and really I'm already doing it 3 weeks in? Unacceptable. However, I did something I didn't do the last time: I knew I gained and I still went to weigh in and that's a huge step for me. Normally, I would skip my meeting and weigh in and I would pretend like the week never happened.
Yesterday I got a call that they might be taking my "Little" back to his family today. My heart is breaking. And I will admit to you that I ate an entire pint of cookies and cream ice cream. Blue Bell style and it was delicious. He's my first little foster baby and now he's my first little baby to give back to his family. I am not looking forward to the rest of today. I need to make sure that I don't allow another pint to go down my throat, that I don't binge. This is going to be so hard for me to do, because even at (now) 4:55am, I am having to try to convince myself to not take the kids when they are both up at 7am to go get a whole box of oreos and milk and go to town. Oreos and milk make me happy, it's delicious and my heart wants to be happy. But I have to remind myself that the momentary happiness turns into days of regret, and oreos won't keep my "Little" here with me. MOVE ALONG, TABITHA. EAT YOUR BANANA.
What are your triggers?
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Thursday, February 20, 2014
My Roadblock.
Do you ever get this sense of impending doom? Like something bad is going to happen and you just shut down for the rest of the day? Nothing goes well and you just want to sit around and do nothing and eat everything in the house, even if that means a package of mashed potatoes because you have nothing else?
Man, that was me today. Give me a minute and let me explain why this happens to me.
October 2011, Charles and I found out that I am infertile. We immediately tried some medications to try to spark my body into ovulating...and nothing worked. Nothing even got close. The next level of medications was in the thousands and we just simply could not afford putting that kind of money on a chance. A chance that I felt in my heart wouldn't work. The doctor did, however, tell me that there is a chance that if I lose enough weight my body could start working. Talk about pressure.
I didn't immediately start up on the weight loss, in fact I gained quite a bit of weight because I was severely depressed. There would be days I wouldn't get out of bed, or I would start uncontrollably crying in the middle of a store if I saw baby stuff, or saw a pregnant woman. I know to those who don't understand, that might sound dramatic. But to me, a baby was everything I ever wanted, and I wanted my own.
March 17, 2012 I finally got my head straight enough to join Weight Watchers and I quickly lost 50 pounds in 6 months. Once that 50 pounds came off, I was so excited to see if my body had made any changes. I knew that I probably wasn't going to ovulate, but I was excited to see if maybe one of my needed levels had changed.
It didn't. Nothing.
And that's when the roadblock hit. I did not lose one more pound after that. Instead, I gained the 50 back.
Fast forward to now. February 2014. Man, that roadblock was up a long time, wasn't it? I don't want to look back and regret not losing it and seeing if I could have my own baby. I don't want to regret it. But that means the pressure is back on. Because even though I have two beautiful foster baby boys, that doesn't change the want to try for my own. It also doesn't mean that I don't have days that I don't want to get out of bed and I want to cry all the time. Because I did today, and I do often. (only now, I do get out of bed and I cry in the bathroom while the kids are napping.)
(And yes I know that I have these wonderful boys and I am so blessed, because trust me - I know. Please respect the way I feel. I would adopt them both in a heartbeat, but the want to know what it would be like to have my flesh and blood is not going to go away just because I have other children.)
Anyways, I just had to write about that and get it out of my system today. Thanks for bearing with me. And to tell you, that if you have days like this - you're not alone. Whatever the circumstance may be. And to remember that just because you have one bad day (like I did today), tomorrow is a new, fresher day.
But man, this is going to hurt at Weight Watchers on Saturday. *sigh*
Man, that was me today. Give me a minute and let me explain why this happens to me.
October 2011, Charles and I found out that I am infertile. We immediately tried some medications to try to spark my body into ovulating...and nothing worked. Nothing even got close. The next level of medications was in the thousands and we just simply could not afford putting that kind of money on a chance. A chance that I felt in my heart wouldn't work. The doctor did, however, tell me that there is a chance that if I lose enough weight my body could start working. Talk about pressure.
I didn't immediately start up on the weight loss, in fact I gained quite a bit of weight because I was severely depressed. There would be days I wouldn't get out of bed, or I would start uncontrollably crying in the middle of a store if I saw baby stuff, or saw a pregnant woman. I know to those who don't understand, that might sound dramatic. But to me, a baby was everything I ever wanted, and I wanted my own.
March 17, 2012 I finally got my head straight enough to join Weight Watchers and I quickly lost 50 pounds in 6 months. Once that 50 pounds came off, I was so excited to see if my body had made any changes. I knew that I probably wasn't going to ovulate, but I was excited to see if maybe one of my needed levels had changed.
It didn't. Nothing.
And that's when the roadblock hit. I did not lose one more pound after that. Instead, I gained the 50 back.
Fast forward to now. February 2014. Man, that roadblock was up a long time, wasn't it? I don't want to look back and regret not losing it and seeing if I could have my own baby. I don't want to regret it. But that means the pressure is back on. Because even though I have two beautiful foster baby boys, that doesn't change the want to try for my own. It also doesn't mean that I don't have days that I don't want to get out of bed and I want to cry all the time. Because I did today, and I do often. (only now, I do get out of bed and I cry in the bathroom while the kids are napping.)
(And yes I know that I have these wonderful boys and I am so blessed, because trust me - I know. Please respect the way I feel. I would adopt them both in a heartbeat, but the want to know what it would be like to have my flesh and blood is not going to go away just because I have other children.)
Anyways, I just had to write about that and get it out of my system today. Thanks for bearing with me. And to tell you, that if you have days like this - you're not alone. Whatever the circumstance may be. And to remember that just because you have one bad day (like I did today), tomorrow is a new, fresher day.
But man, this is going to hurt at Weight Watchers on Saturday. *sigh*
Monday, February 17, 2014
Green Smoothies... Success!
Okay, I totally planned to get stuff to start making green smoothies earlier in the week, but I ended up not being able to do so until yesterday. I am going to be honest with you all, I used to roll my eyes at the people who would upload pictures to Facebook and be like "LOOK HOW HEALTHY I AM! *rolls around in pile of healthy food and green smoothies*" Because how rude for you to do that while I'm trying to shove this cake in my face, for real.
However, I have completely recognized that I do not eat veggies or fruits like I'm supposed to. I mean, I don't mind veggies....I just don't think about them, or feel like making them. And being a person who doesn't eat salad dressing (barf), salads are lost on me. I mean, would you just sit around eating some lettuce? (If you would, stop, it's weird.) So I decided I'd give this a try.
So we went to Costco and stocked up:
And actually, the first thing we made was some orange sorbet last night!
It was delish and super easy: 2 oranges, 2 tablespoons of sugar, 3 cups of ice. SERIOUSLY. (I bet raspberries or strawberries would be fantastic too!)
Today for breakfast I had an orange & banana smoothie and some oatmeal. I feel like I used too many oranges, so I would just use one next time and it would be perfect!
Lunch's smoothie was the BEST so far (I mean, I've only made two so do with that what you will)
(I also had veggie pasta with fat-free mozzarella cheese!)
I hope everyone can see from my 'recipe' how easy it is to make these and get your fruits and veggies in for the day! This was a total success and I can't wait to keep making more. (I'm doing them with Breakfast and Lunch)
And guess what else?? I weighed in on Saturday to 3 more pounds lost!
However, I have completely recognized that I do not eat veggies or fruits like I'm supposed to. I mean, I don't mind veggies....I just don't think about them, or feel like making them. And being a person who doesn't eat salad dressing (barf), salads are lost on me. I mean, would you just sit around eating some lettuce? (If you would, stop, it's weird.) So I decided I'd give this a try.
So we went to Costco and stocked up:
Today for breakfast I had an orange & banana smoothie and some oatmeal. I feel like I used too many oranges, so I would just use one next time and it would be perfect!
Lunch's smoothie was the BEST so far (I mean, I've only made two so do with that what you will)
Apple, Banana, PB smoothie:
1 red apple (minus core)
1 banana
1 tablespoon crunchy peanut butter
1 huge handful of spinach
1 cup of ice
Enjoy!
*Makes 2 mason jars full!*
(I also had veggie pasta with fat-free mozzarella cheese!)
And guess what else?? I weighed in on Saturday to 3 more pounds lost!
Beginning weight: 352.6
Current weight: 343.6
Total loss: -9 pounds
So tell me, what new healthy thing will you try this week?
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Numbers.
Good Morning! (I type that as I'm sucking down coffee watching Disney Jr., take that any way you like.)
I have been itching to blog all weekend, but I'm finally getting a chance to sit down this morning. As many of you know, my plan of attack on this weight loss is Weight Watchers, pretty much my favorite program ever. That's because it works. And it works because it's not a restrictive diet. It's not a diet at all. If I want a piece of cake, I can have one - GUILT FREE. (I just have to make sure I saved enough points for it!)
I've been doing WW off and on for over a decade now. WOW. That's insane to think about. I've started and stopped more times than I can count. (most times due to lack of money). The last time I joined I lost 50 pounds in 6 months and I was feeling GREAT. Then, I hit a mental roadblock. (I'll get into that another time) But, here I am again - back at the start! And guess what? After my first week (I weigh in Saturday mornings) I lost SIX pounds! SIX!
This time, joining WW, I weighed in at the HIGHEST I have ever weighed in my life. That was terrifying. I hated seeing that number, it was heartbreaking. Heartbreaking that I had lost 50 pounds, and then gained it all back - plus more. I let my life take over and used every excuse in the book and it makes me feel awful. But there's nothing I can do about that, no amount of crying about it will change that it happened. All I can do is keep doing Day 1 until it sticks. And like I always say, "This is the last Day 1 I will ever have." And this time, I really really want it to be true.
I'm going to tell you my weight from now on when I do my loss updates. Now, don't freak out. Because to me, this is just a number. It's the truth. If I lied to you and told you a different amount, it wouldn't matter. I would still be the true amount. It's like when people take these perfectly beautiful pictures and then complain about how awful they look and don't let anyone see it. Like, dude. That's how you look. Embrace it and love it. I can see you. You hiding a picture doesn't change the fact that I can see you. (this could turn into an ugly rant I have about this, so I'll just stop here) Point being: This is what I weigh, and that's that. Move along. (also, I'm pretty sure if I cut off my chest alone about 50 pounds would disappear)
So there it is. The last time you'll ever see those numbers.
Next blog topic: My attempt at green smoothies.
Leave me some of your favorite green smoothie recipes below to try for my next blog!
I have been itching to blog all weekend, but I'm finally getting a chance to sit down this morning. As many of you know, my plan of attack on this weight loss is Weight Watchers, pretty much my favorite program ever. That's because it works. And it works because it's not a restrictive diet. It's not a diet at all. If I want a piece of cake, I can have one - GUILT FREE. (I just have to make sure I saved enough points for it!)
I've been doing WW off and on for over a decade now. WOW. That's insane to think about. I've started and stopped more times than I can count. (most times due to lack of money). The last time I joined I lost 50 pounds in 6 months and I was feeling GREAT. Then, I hit a mental roadblock. (I'll get into that another time) But, here I am again - back at the start! And guess what? After my first week (I weigh in Saturday mornings) I lost SIX pounds! SIX!
This time, joining WW, I weighed in at the HIGHEST I have ever weighed in my life. That was terrifying. I hated seeing that number, it was heartbreaking. Heartbreaking that I had lost 50 pounds, and then gained it all back - plus more. I let my life take over and used every excuse in the book and it makes me feel awful. But there's nothing I can do about that, no amount of crying about it will change that it happened. All I can do is keep doing Day 1 until it sticks. And like I always say, "This is the last Day 1 I will ever have." And this time, I really really want it to be true.
I'm going to tell you my weight from now on when I do my loss updates. Now, don't freak out. Because to me, this is just a number. It's the truth. If I lied to you and told you a different amount, it wouldn't matter. I would still be the true amount. It's like when people take these perfectly beautiful pictures and then complain about how awful they look and don't let anyone see it. Like, dude. That's how you look. Embrace it and love it. I can see you. You hiding a picture doesn't change the fact that I can see you. (this could turn into an ugly rant I have about this, so I'll just stop here) Point being: This is what I weigh, and that's that. Move along. (also, I'm pretty sure if I cut off my chest alone about 50 pounds would disappear)
Beginning weight: 352.6
Current weight: 346.6
Total loss: -6 pounds
Next blog topic: My attempt at green smoothies.
Leave me some of your favorite green smoothie recipes below to try for my next blog!
Monday, February 3, 2014
Forgetting Fat?
Welcome to my blog! Let me start off with a warning: This is a weight loss blog. This can get emotional, this can get angry, and this could get overwhelmingly happy. If you don't want to be on a roller coaster ride with me, then don't go any farther. I'm not sugar coating anything here. Also, I'm not an English major and I'm not paying anyone to proof read this, so get off me with the correcting of where a comma should be. Nor do I truly care where it should be.
If you do want to be a part of this roller coaster then sit down, strap on your seat belt and hold on tight!
Why is it called Forgetting Fat? (I seriously just typed fart .. awwwwkward)
It's called that, because I would love for the world to forget that word. But, since I know that'll never happen, I'm going to work on me forgetting that word. It's full of hate. I am very overweight. I know this. I don't need the judgmental looks from strangers when I have to squeeze into a chair or when I'm out of breath walking up some stairs. I get it. I'm aware. To call someone 'fat' is hurtful and isn't doing anyone a favor. In fact, let's just clear something up here - calling anyone any hateful name isn't doing anyone any favors. You will NEVER truly know what that person has gone through or how they got there.
Let me be clear on another thing - I am very aware that I put the food in my mouth. I chose to eat Whataburger several times a week (and sometimes more than once a day). I chose to sit on the couch for hours watching trashy TV shows and eating tubs of ice cream. I'm not crying about how "I didn't know I was getting so big!" "OMG WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN??" Not here. Gaining weight is very very much a mental battle, and there are reasons a person gets to that point.
For me, every pound represents the life I've gone through. I didn't wake up one day and say "Let me pack on the pounds, I'd love to not fit in a airplane seat!". Instead, I've turned to food for comfort, spite, anger, happiness, love, and a thousand other feelings. My pounds represent times I was made fun of, or asked when my baby was due (never been pregnant), boys calling me "just a friend", disappointment, failures. They also represent birthday celebrations, and holidays, as well as wonderful date nights. It's an addiction. As I share with you my current weight loss journey, I will also share with you stories of my past journeys and how I got to where I am and to where I'm going.
But here I am, at square one for the hundredth time. And I'm happy to be here.
If you do want to be a part of this roller coaster then sit down, strap on your seat belt and hold on tight!
Why is it called Forgetting Fat? (I seriously just typed fart .. awwwwkward)
It's called that, because I would love for the world to forget that word. But, since I know that'll never happen, I'm going to work on me forgetting that word. It's full of hate. I am very overweight. I know this. I don't need the judgmental looks from strangers when I have to squeeze into a chair or when I'm out of breath walking up some stairs. I get it. I'm aware. To call someone 'fat' is hurtful and isn't doing anyone a favor. In fact, let's just clear something up here - calling anyone any hateful name isn't doing anyone any favors. You will NEVER truly know what that person has gone through or how they got there.
Let me be clear on another thing - I am very aware that I put the food in my mouth. I chose to eat Whataburger several times a week (and sometimes more than once a day). I chose to sit on the couch for hours watching trashy TV shows and eating tubs of ice cream. I'm not crying about how "I didn't know I was getting so big!" "OMG WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN??" Not here. Gaining weight is very very much a mental battle, and there are reasons a person gets to that point.
For me, every pound represents the life I've gone through. I didn't wake up one day and say "Let me pack on the pounds, I'd love to not fit in a airplane seat!". Instead, I've turned to food for comfort, spite, anger, happiness, love, and a thousand other feelings. My pounds represent times I was made fun of, or asked when my baby was due (never been pregnant), boys calling me "just a friend", disappointment, failures. They also represent birthday celebrations, and holidays, as well as wonderful date nights. It's an addiction. As I share with you my current weight loss journey, I will also share with you stories of my past journeys and how I got to where I am and to where I'm going.
But here I am, at square one for the hundredth time. And I'm happy to be here.
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