The Before.

You know what's scary? The before picture. Everyone has one. That one picture that shows you at your biggest. It's terrifying, because there it is. That's you. A picture of you. I don't usually hate pictures of myself because I mean, it's a memory. And I look that way in the memory and there's nothing I can do to change it, so I move along. But that before picture...ugh. This is the one I'm talking about:

(ignore messy mirror/honey-boo-boo looking face)

I forgot to post a before pic when I started this blog. Which, I find weird...I blame "mommy brain". I also took some personal ones of me without a shirt so that I can compare like that, but I'll spare you that one. hahaha

When I lost the first 50 pounds, the only way I could see it was to compare pictures, because I see myself in the mirror every day, I couldn't see the changes. But man, when I put those pictures together, it was glorious. I get so anxious to see that again! And honestly, that is a big thing that keeps me goin' sometimes. I want that "after" pic so bad. SO BAD.

I've been jumping on and off that wagon since I started this blog. Isn't that crazy? Can you relate to being so gung-ho on starting something and then it just teeter off so fast, you didn't even see that coming? Well, I can. But the good thing? I keep jumping back on. There have been so many times I let the wagon drive off and leave me behind. But not this time, I keep chasing it and jumping back on...sometimes I just don't stick the landing.

I've started writing stuff on my calendar that I'm going to do that week that's "active". I plan ahead, and I write it down, so it's done. It's scheduled. I hate canceling things I schedule. Because of that, I've started walking in the park, and walking for hours at the zoo (omg we are loving our membership!). I even have 2 dates with 2 friends on Tuesday and Wednesday for walks in the park! That's right, I'm making everyone join in!

So I want to know....do you have a "before" picture that you're storing away?

Guest Blogger: Meet Erin!

Hello, Everyone! Lately I have been off the wagon and very uninspired. So, I decided to reach out to someone who inspires me, my wonderful friend Erin. I asked her to share her story with you guys! Enjoy! 

So, Tabitha asked me to guest blog on her page. First off, I feel like I'm piggy backing on her e-success.No SHAME. But, I digress....

My weight loss journey is similar to all of yours. Years of struggle for the every elusive "perfect size". As a teenager I battled with something like an eating disorder. Being that I was over weight and addicted to food; I felt shame about eating crap food. I'd spend a whole day obsessing about a specific food until around 10 or 11 at night; I'd give in and  I'd finally eat it. Then, I'd just cry and cry about it. I'd beat myself up and inundate myself with negative self talk. Clearly, not a healthy connection with food. This lasted about 3 years. NUTS. I started to work out when I was about 18 years old. Funny thing, I didn't change my diet. I figured -- I'm spending 2 hours in the gym, I deserve to eat a whole medium pizza myself. PURE LOGIC. I worked out on and off for about 4 years with very little intent to do anything but "bring sexy back". I completely missed the whole concept of healthy versus hot. 

So, what's the problem with this line of thinking? Skinny doesn't mean healthy. Skinny means skinny. However, I could not differentiate between the two. I tried every fad diet, diet pill, crazy contortionist exercise problem. I exerperienced SMALL amounts of weight loss success this way. Once I tried Alli, that weight loss pill that was so popular about 5 years ago. I thought, "COOL. I can still eat what I want and this pill will discard the fat." WRONG. I had an unforunate accident where I realized that you can not take Alli, eat crap and trust a fart. Just a little friendly advice for you, if you're considering Alli. DON'T DO IT. So, there's that.

I ran my body into the ground all through college. Working out, eating only when I had time and it was usually fast food. I drank a lot of alcohol thinkingthis lifestyle would be conducive to weight loss. Funny, right?

In August of 2012, shortly after I graduated from College, my body went completely numb from the chest down. I lost all control and feeling in my arms for three months. I was diagnosed with MS (multiple Sclerosis)  at 24 years old. MIND. BLOWN. That struck me in the deepest parts of my soul. Did I cause this to happen with my lifestyle? No one in my family had this. Once again, Mind...blown!

So, after I got use of my hands back, I resigned to never be that helpless again. I started researching different natural ways to treat this disease and find ways to improve my nutrition. I coupled all of that with medication, I found success with the MS and a happy side effect of weight loss. I lost 85 lbs in the first year. Not just that but, I found that health was the main focus. My goal was to avoid being bed ridden, and I found that that brought on fitness and weight loss. What's that? Weight loss was a happy side effect of getting healthy? That's obviously crazy talk. 

 I started going to the gym 5 days a week. (I know that's a lot but, I noticed that movement decreased the MS related pain.) I started to eat "clean". No preservatives, no processed

foods, nothing. I noticed that the healthier I ate, the less my symptoms would show. I know that sounds drastic and some of you are rolling your eyes at me. I hear faint cries of "NO ONE LIVES THAT WAY. THERE'S TEMPTATION EVERYWHERE." You're correct. Living in Texas -- FOOD IS EVERYWHERE. I'm confronted with fat, sugar, calories every corner I turn. The thing about this is that that pizza isn't worth me losing my independence again. That burger isn't worth me losing the ability to do my job.(I'm a sign language interpreter) Eating that fried, gravy dipped, chocolate glazed thing isn't worth taking years from my life.

I'm sure some of you are shaking your head and going "Yeah yeah yeah.How does this apply to me? How can I gain that resolve to lose weight without enduring a life changing event?" That's a hard one to answer. Each person is different, each heart and mind are different. But, I can say this....Losing weight isn't the goal. Like I said, "the perfect size" is elusive. We're constantly searching and aiming to look like women in movies. That bar was set to impossible heights because our genes aren't the same. Our bodies aren't the same. I'm 5'10.5 inches tall. I wear a size 18. I'm wide set, I'm wide boned and built like a lady amazon. I've spent years ashamed of that. Slouching to be shorter. Wearing 15 thousand layers of Spanx to suck in the flab. However, in this journey of health versus skinny "B" status I found that...I'm beautiful the way I am. I'm strong, I'm HEALTHY. I'm fit. I'm not a size 2. I'm not the "perfect size" even after losing a total of 120lbs. Why? The "Perfect size" doesn't exist, but the perfect you does exist. I try every day, I eat food that not only tastes good but is good for me. I'm fit and HAPPY. And guess what? I'm still "fat". I still weigh around 275 lbs. I'm large and in charge and proud of it. Don't get me wrong, I still like crap food....ON OCCASION. I'm not going to lie and say I'm healthy 100% of the time. PSFT. That's laughable. I do, however, aim for healthy 75-80% of the time. That's REALITY. That's manageable. That's a healthy relationship with food and with your body.

So, I rambled on to what end? Just that life is messy, life is imperfect. The "perfect size" doesn't exist because perfection doesn't exist. You live life every day. If you try AT ALL, you are victorious. The goal is to find health, if you lose weight - - HOT FRICKEN DOG. And trust me, you will lose weight. More than that, you'll gain a perspective on life and yourself that will change you from the inside out. When you lose that weight, It may not be to the "perfect size" but you will be beautiful. Why? Because Healthy is beautiful. Healthy is sexy. So, what should we do? Let's "bring healthy back." (insert awkward white girl twerk to the Sexy back)

Thanks for listening, guys. Blessings on your journey. Live life and be happy. :-)

That's All I'm Asking For.

I remember the first time I started Weight Watchers. I was 16 and I weighed 196 pounds. Yes, I absolutely remember that number. I also remember that I lost 20 pounds that summer and then quit the program when school started back up. And although this was my first time starting weight watchers, it certainly wasn't my first time realizing I had a weight problem.

You see, I started dancing when I was 5. I have this adorable picture of me in a fluffy pink, sparkly outfit.(I looked and looked and can't find it!) In that picture you can see that I am much bigger than a 5 year old should be. But then I would grow and even out. Don't get me wrong, I was never ever this society's definition of skinny. There was always a little tummy there. But understand that I always saw myself as huge. My self esteem was always, always being shot down. And for as long as I can remember I always felt "less than". Especially when they would put you in tights and spandex leotards. The comparisons to the other girls started very early and I was always the one losing (in my head at least). I do have a picture of me at that time: 

I'm...the same size as a friend I thought was gorgeous. Too bad I didn't see that.

It's funny how a woman's mind works. I think about raising a little girl some day and worry about possibly ruining her self esteem, by something I didn't know I said or did. It's funny how personal we take everything that's said, or how we compare ourselves to other women. Unrealistic women. I remember working at that "Plus Size Clothing Store" I told you about last week, and the models in all the pictures looked wonderfully skinny to me. They were gorgeous and they had a realistic body that I felt like I could have one day. But are these the women that are walking into this store today? No, of course not. Because those women are not plus-sized. They're only plus-sized in the media's eyes. So that trains my eyes to see that woman and think to myself, "well, even when I look gorgeous like that someday, it's still not enough because she's modeling plus-sized clothing." Does that make sense? I feel like I'm babbling.

I Googled the term "plus-sized model" and let me show you what came up.

source: girltalkhq.com

Like, seriously? If this is plus-size, then sign me up for that. 

But the point is also that we shouldn't be striving for skinny, we should be striving for healthy. At this point, yes of course I want to not have to pay more to wear my clothes because I have to go to a specialty store, but really I want to just be healthy so I can run around and play with my kids without having to stop to breathe. I don't want them to see me ruining my life, and learn the habits to ruin theirs. 

That's all I'm asking for.

Chocolate Milk

Is it just me, or do some days just need to end with some chocolate milk?

How is everyone? I haven't blogged like normal, with good reason (at least I think so). My littlest foster baby went back to his bio family on Thursday and my heart was very broken. However, guess what? I LOST half a pound at Weight Watchers on Saturday. haha I really did not see that coming, considering I'm pretty sure I ate everything in my house. So YAY!

Beginning weight: 352.6

Current weight: 345.5

Total loss: -7.1 pounds

So let's talk about shopping. Who here loves shopping? I'll tell you the truth. I love shopping because I just want to buy stuff. However, clothes shopping isn't the kind of shopping I want to do. I hate it, LOATHE it. In fact, once upon a time, I was a manager at (I won't name names) a "plus-size ladies store". When I was hired, they send you to one of their other stores to train along side another manager. One of the things you had to do, and I completely understand, is to try on all kinds of their clothes and really get to know the way things fit and work and all that. I totally get it. However, being that they were a plus-sized women's store, you think they would be more sensitive to this fact. I will never forget the first day when they had me try on all different styles of jeans and none of them fit. NOT. ONE. And I cried in the dressing room when the lady had walked off to help someone. Ugh what a nightmare. That's how I feel just even walking into a store, like it is going to end in failure. Isn't that awful? I actually can't even remember a time when I could just walk into a store and feel confident. 

I've noticed that because of this, I don't ever feel like I look pretty, and I don't. Tonight I was wearing sweat pants and a duck dynasty shirt. Hair in a messy ponytail and no makeup. And that makes me so sad to think about, that I make no effort in my day-to-day. And that actually transfers quickly into my attitude about myself in general. And then I end up accusing my husband of not finding me attractive and then he just sits there like a deer in headlights because why am I saying that while he's trying to watch tv in peace? 

So this is going to be my next challenge, get dressed if I go anywhere outside of the house. (I mean obviously I get dressed, I mean not sweatpants and hair up) And if anyone knows me, I don't take selfies, because they drive me nuts, but I will do my best do try to take a selfie to show that this is my challenge this week! 

What things do you do to make yourself feel beautiful? Ways to boost your self esteem? Tell me!